Giraffes

Whenever I see a giraffe, I always think about oral sex. I guess it’s the long neck.

-JKD

Is Obama leaking our national secrets?

New York Times headline: Secret Order Lets U.S. Raid Al Qaeda

From the article, dated November 9:

WASHINGTON — The United States military since 2004 has used broad, secret authority to carry out nearly a dozen previously undisclosed attacks against Al Qaeda and other militants in Syria, Pakistan and elsewhere, according to senior American officials.

So… this carefully-guarded government secret – one that has STAYED a secret since 2004 – comes out now? Literally DAYS after Obama starts receiving Top Secret national security briefings?

Hmm.

And yesterday, just hours after meeting privately face-to-face with President Bush, the contents of that conversation were leaked to the Herald Tribune and the Associated Press? The Drudge Report is reporting that Bush is outraged by this breach of protocol.

Leaking the details of a private political conversation is one thing. Sure, it’s juvenile, tacky and sends a highly disconcerting message to other world leaders who probably wouldn’t want their private conversations with the United States President immediately leaked to the press, but President-Elect Obama is certainly entitled to wield his lapdog media relations however he sees fit.

No, what’s much more disconcerting is the leaking of military tactics in the War on Terror.

The leaks aren’t going to stop, folks. Early in the Presidential campaign, the media forfeited its traditional role of political watchdog, opting instead to be knee-jerk advocates for Barack Obama. And as for Obama, when you’re the beneficiary of a friendly press, you’re prone to reward your friends and cohorts by perpetually feeding them delicious news scoops. That’s how the game is played; keep the press happy, and the press will keep you happy.

But if Obama and his advisors don’t consider the government secrets that directly impact the military’s capacity to prevent terrorist attacks to be sacred… then what is?

Just something to keep in mind as you peruse all the juicy New York Times headlines we’ll be seeing over the next four years.

-JKD

Life lessons

Via trial & error, observing others, self-introspection, and a horribly underdeveloped sense of morality, here are 20 things I’ve learned in life:

1. Most of the time, the guy wearing the “Fuck You!” hat and “Who Farted?” t-shirt doesn’t have keys to a Ferrari in his pocket.

2. Never marry a woman who can’t appreciate the severity of a good hangover.

3. If someone feels the need to tell you that he’s a winner, chances are he’s a loser.

4. There’d be significantly fewer alcoholics in America if more drugs were legalized. Because let’s face it: A lot of people get drunk – not because alcohol is particularly tasty – but because sobriety SUCKS. And alcohol is the only legal over-the-counter high we’re allowed to have. By criminalizing all the other recreational drugs – including marijuana – the government is directly increasing the number of alcoholics in society… as well as all the crimes, injuries & fatalities attributed to alcohol.

5. Women: In every large office environment, there’s always at least one ultra-hot babe who everyone wants to fuck & nobody takes seriously, one babe with unpredictable emotional problems who freaks everyone out, one babe who thinks she’s infinitely smarter and prettier than she actually is, and one go-by-the-books cunt who nobody likes. So, if you’re in a large office and don’t know who the cunt is, chances are it’s you.

6. Grave robbing is illegal in the United States, which means that the same country that stole land from living Indians prohibits property theft from dead Americans.

7. R&B is soft rock for black people.

8. If I lived in Biblical times and was arguing baby-ownership before King Solomon, and he threatened to cut the baby in half, I don’t think I’d mind, as long as I got to keep the top-half.

9. Isn’t it interesting how all the major fast food restaurants always seem to have a political tie-in? McDonald’s is a democracy (Mayor McCheese), Kentucky Fried Chicken is clearly a dictatorship (the Colonial) and Burger King is obviously a monarchy. I’m not sure how Wendy’s fits into this political paradigm, but quite frankly, I don’t really care. I hate those lousy square hamburgers. If you’re gonna make the hamburgers square, why would you still make the buns round? It doesn’t make any sense, man. What were we talking about again?

10. Here’s a little-known scientific fact: If you fart while alone inside an elevator, the probability jumps ten-fold that someone of the opposite sex will get inside your elevator before you can vacate the premises.

11. I’m not one of those bleeding heart liberals who continually gripe about schoolteachers being underpaid. Good! I’m GLAD they’re underpaid! Hey – I’ve already received MY education – and I’m barely making enough to cover my mortgage & afford brand name bourbon. And now you people want me to pony-up even more cash – and fund the job-training of my future competition? Are you out of your frigging minds?! I’m looking out for Number One.

12. The great thing about wearing dark sunglasses is that you can blatantly stare at a woman’s tits without getting punched in the face by her husband.

13. Product Idea #37: Removable windshield wipers… so you can park illegally and the cops won’t have any place to stick your ticket.

14. Here’s the difference between being “cute” and “over-the-line.” Cute is seeing a MILF with a baby in a grocery store’s produce section and saying, “Wow! I didn’t know you could buy a baby here!” Over-the-line is lurching towards the baby with your arms extended and shrieking to the mother: “Let’s squeeze his head to see if he’s fresh!” I learned this one the hard way. I also learned that Food Lion has its own security guards.

15. You know what I want written on my tombstone? “Attention future people of earth! I have hidden thousands of pounds of gold and diamonds in a secret location! Whoever brings me back to life will get half! And whoever brings me back to life with a new & improved body will get all! Thanks in advance for your help.” I figure it’s worth a shot.

16. Most of the people who think drugs should be illegal are people who don’t enjoy using illegal drugs. Additionally, most of the people who bad-mouth alcohol are pussies who can’t handle alcohol.

17. The Bible preaches to us “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” but if you stop and think about it, this really is a horribly flawed formula for dispensing justice. ‘Cause what would happen if a toothless guy knocks out his neighbor’s teeth? Or if a blind guy started running around, poking out eyeballs at the playground? How would THOSE people be punished? There’s another problem with the “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” formula as well: Not all teeth and eyes are equal. For example, if someone with bad eyesight knocked out the eye of someone with 20/20 vision, would it really be equitable for the guy with bad eyesight to just lose an eye? Or if a model with beautiful white teeth got punched in the face by a dumpy girl with green, cavity-filled teeth – would it be fair to treat the two teeth as equal? Do you see what I’m getting at?

18. If you ever see a beautiful, gorgeous woman over the age of 30 driving a lousy car, chances are she has an amazingly shitty personality.

19. Have you ever noticed that the women are exponentially better looking in the grocery stores located in the rich part of town? And not only are they better looking, but cigarette rolling paper isn’t usually sold with the other tobacco products.

20. Of all the women in the world, religious babes & leftwing social activists have the hairiest beavers.

-JKD

Taco Bell fallout

Diarrhea should not be called the runs; it should be called the sits. ‘Cause when you’ve got diarrhea, you’re not gonna be doing much running, but you’re sure as hell gonna be doing a LOT of sitting. Speaking of which, have you ever had really, REALLY bad diarrhea? And after you took a particularly explosive shit, you lift the toilet seat up – and you somehow managed to get little dots of shit under the seat?

That always impresses me… that my shit could be so powerful, it actually comes in TWO directions.

-JKD

Christians, alcohol and lesbians

I met an ultra-devout Christian the other day who believes drinking alcohol is immoral. Isn’t that kinda strange? Because if you actually read the Bible, you’ll notice that the Good Book NEVER forbids alcohol consumption. And hell, Jesus Christ once explicitly turned water into wine! I’m sure if alcohol was really immoral, Jesus would’ve turned the water into apple juice, or something. But I think there’s lots of meddlesome Christian who believe that alcohol SHOULD be illegal – so they try to come up with some harebrained theory that forbids alcohol consumption, arguing that, OK, when Jesus turned water into wine, it must’ve been nonalcoholic wine. Which is just ABSURD, of course; if Jesus showed up at a dinner party with nonalcoholic wine in 22 A.D., everyone there would’ve kicked his skinny little ass back to Galilee. It would be like throwing a bachelor party… and bringing over a key of O’Doul’s. Trust me, the Son of God would know better than to commit such a flagrant party foul.

And speaking of the Bible, it’s interesting to note that although the Bible does say “A man should not lie with a man as he lies with a woman,” at no point does the Bible say “A woman should not lie with a woman as she lies with a man.” Go look it up – I ain’t lying. So apparently, God digs lesbians. Which ties nicely together with God’s approval of alcohol consumption, ‘cause the Bible never forbids drunken threesomes either.

My theory on all this: Man wrote the Bible thousands of years ago – before the invention of TV, indoor lighting, nachos, No Limit Texas Hold ’Em Poker, tittie bars, or Italian restaurants. Basically, the only form of entertainment back then was alcohol… and the human body. Furthermore, only the wealthiest in society could afford to learn how to read & write and afford multiple wives. Which means that the early authors of the Bible were rich men with many wives. They lived in a backwater society in the middle of the desert, stuck in a primitive popup tent – tending to their livestock, far away from everyone else. Well, what do YOU think these people did for fun? Right – they got drunk and fucked their wives.

Which the Bible approves of, naturally.

-JKD

President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama

Well, we just had another one of those wonderfully entertaining Presidential elections… and for the next four years, the leader of the Free World is gonna be President Barack Hussein Obama. Yup, the name just rolls right off the tip of your tongue, eh?

And by the way… has anyone noticed that Obama is BLACK?! Holy shitballs! Actually, the fact that Obama is black is worth noting – ‘cause that would make him the first racial minority to win the highest office of a democratic nation. Lots of democracies have previously elected female leaders – India, England, Israel, Germany, Argentina, Canada and so forth – but none of ‘em has EVER elected a member of a racial minority to the most powerful office in the land. (‘Course, America has NEVER elected a female leader… yet we were still the FIRST to elect a minority leader. And y’know, I kinda enjoy knowing that the racial divisions that have long plagued whites and blacks here in America have healed so much, the two races were willing to come together to deny Hillary Clinton the Presidency and Sarah Palin the Vice Presidency. Isn’t that nice? Whites and blacks, working together, determined to keep all women out of the White House. Yes, the dream has been fulfilled. Halleluiah!)

I also think that when John McCain eventually dies & goes to heaven, the other dead Presidents will make fun of him:

George Washington: “You mean to tell me you lost VIRGINIA and NORTH CAROLINA to a BLACK GUY?! Jesus f’n Christ, how PATHETIC was YOUR frickin’ campaign?!”

Thomas Jefferson: “Well, I assume this Obama guy had a lot of experience. No? OK, was Obama a war hero? No military experience either? Hmm. Was he a business leader? No? And he hadn’t even completed one term in the Senate?! Good LORD, McCain – were you even TRYING to win?!”


Serves him right. That was one of the suckiest political campaigns I’ve EVER seen. That campaign sucked more than a Clinton intern. Even Dukakis and Mondale were giggling themselves silly over McCain’s pathetic campaign.

Onward and upward.

Actually, I have a theory about why America has such a lousy federal government: You see, the guiding philosophy for the Democrats – high taxes, high regulation, heavy government involvement, big government programs, more socialism, less individual responsibility – simply isn’t conducive for long-term economic growth. So when the Democrats get in office, they eventually fuck things up. And the Republicans, to their credit, realize that the Democrats’ philosophy will CRIPPLE the economy… but the trouble is, Republicans don’t really like the government in the first place, so they’re naturally incompetent when it comes to the day-to-day management of the government. It’s awfully difficult to run something that you never really cared about – or ever believed in.

And that’s the choice Americans face on every Election Day: Either vote for the guy with the WRONG political philosophy – but with a good understanding of how the government is supposed to work… or vote for the guy with the RIGHT political philosophy – but is utterly inept at actually implementing this philosophy.

Either way… we’re all pretty much fucked. Good job, America.

-JKD

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost

“The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”

Have you noticed that ONLY the Ghost gets a preceding adjective? Why not the Holy Father or the Holy Son? Both the Father and the Son are holy as well, right? So why do we take the time to specifically describe the Ghost as the HOLY Ghost? I mean, nobody’s confusing it with the FRIENDLY Ghost. Believe me, people can differentiate between our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ of Nazareth and fuckin’ Casper.

Shit, even the Protestants can do THAT.

-JKD

Daylight's savings times

When daylight’s savings time occurs, we gain an extra hour of sleep. We accomplish this by repeating the 2 am hour. You see, we wait until 2:59 am – but instead of going on to 3 am, we start again at 2 am. This must be sort of weird for pregnant women with twins. Because potentially, a Mom could give birth to her FIRST baby at 2:55 am of the FIRST 2 am cycle… and deliver her SECOND baby at 2:05 am of the repeated hour. So the kid born at 2:05 would ACTUALLY be 10 minutes YOUNGER than the kid born at 2:55. Pretty weird, huh? Or maybe not.

Well, fuck you. I find it interesting.

-JKD

Random musings

Here are some of the things I think about when I’m sitting on the toilet with nothing to read (other than the back of the shampoo bottle):

Rule of Life #27: If the bar restroom has a clean mirror and a fresh urinal cake, you’re paying too much for your drinks.

NEVER smoke pot or drop acid while watching one of those reality TV shows. You’ll inevitably become paranoid – and start searching your house for hidden cameras and microphones.

Y’know, slavery gets a lot of negative press lately… but if you stop and think about it, it’s actually a highly efficient way to get people to work for you without paying them any money.

Saint Valentine was a Catholic Priest who died as a martyr. A priest! Isn’t that interesting? Our annual Holiday of Love is named after someone who was celibate.

Can ANYONE explain to me why federal regulations require commercial airplane pilots to walk through the airport security metal detectors? An airplane pilot doesn’t need a bomb to destroy an airplane and kill hundreds of people… all he needs is the GROUND.

Few things in life are sexier than a woman with multiple body piercings – particularly when the pierced body parts include her tongue, nipples, and clitoris. Any woman who’s willing to painfully mutilate her body in the hopes of marginally enhancing sexual stimulation is my kind of babe.

According to Greek mythology, Medusa was such a hideous woman that simply gazing into her eyes would transform a mere mortal into a pillar of stone. So… if I ever got real, real drunk & horny in Ancient Greece and somehow stumbled near her home, I think I would insist on doing it doggie style.

Whenever I see a giraffe, I always think about oral sex. I guess it’s the long neck.

There are always more wig shops in the poor parts of town.

-JKD

Would the Last Honest Reporter Please Turn On the Lights?

A terrific editorial about Modern Day journalism in the United States:

-JKD


Would the Last Honest Reporter Please Turn On the Lights? By Orson Scott Card

Editor's note: Orson Scott Card is a Democrat and a newspaper columnist, and in this opinion piece he takes on both while lamenting the current state of journalism.

An open letter to the local daily paper — almost every local daily paper in America:

I remember reading All the President's Men and thinking: That's journalism. You do what it takes to get the truth and you lay it before the public, because the public has a right to know.

This housing crisis didn't come out of nowhere. It was not a vague emanation of the evil Bush administration.

It was a direct result of the political decision, back in the late 1990s, to loosen the rules of lending so that home loans would be more accessible to poor people. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were authorized to approve risky loans.

What is a risky loan? It's a loan that the recipient is likely not to be able to repay.

The goal of this rule change was to help the poor — which especially would help members of minority groups. But how does it help these people to give them a loan that they can't repay? They get into a house, yes, but when they can't make the payments, they lose the house — along with their credit rating.

They end up worse off than before.

This was completely foreseeable and in fact many people did foresee it. One political party, in Congress and in the executive branch, tried repeatedly to tighten up the rules. The other party blocked every such attempt and tried to loosen them.

Furthermore, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were making political contributions to the very members of Congress who were allowing them to make irresponsible loans. (Though why quasi-federal agencies were allowed to do so baffles me. It's as if the Pentagon were allowed to contribute to the political campaigns of Congressmen who support increasing their budget.)

Isn't there a story here? Doesn't journalism require that you who produce our daily paper tell the truth about who brought us to a position where the only way to keep confidence in our economy was a $700 billion bailout? Aren't you supposed to follow the money and see which politicians were benefiting personally from the deregulation of mortgage lending?

I have no doubt that if these facts had pointed to the Republican Party or to John McCain as the guilty parties, you would be treating it as a vast scandal. "Housing-gate," no doubt. Or "Fannie-gate."

Instead, it was Senator Christopher Dodd and Congressman Barney Frank, both Democrats, who denied that there were any problems, who refused Bush administration requests to set up a regulatory agency to watch over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and who were still pushing for these agencies to go even further in promoting sub-prime mortgage loans almost up to the minute they failed.

As Thomas Sowell points out in a TownHall.com essay entitled "Do Facts Matter?" ( http://snipurl.com/457townhall_com] ): "Alan Greenspan warned them four years ago. So did the Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers to the President. So did Bush's Secretary of the Treasury."

These are facts. This financial crisis was completely preventable. The party that blocked any attempt to prevent it was ... the Democratic Party. The party that tried to prevent it was ... the Republican Party.

Yet when Nancy Pelosi accused the Bush administration and Republican deregulation of causing the crisis, you in the press did not hold her to account for her lie. Instead, you criticized Republicans who took offense at this lie and refused to vote for the bailout!
What? It's not the liar, but the victims of the lie who are to blame?

Now let's follow the money ... right to the presidential candidate who is the number-two recipient of campaign contributions from Fannie Mae.

And after Freddie Raines, the CEO of Fannie Mae who made $90 million while running it into the ground, was fired for his incompetence, one presidential candidate's campaign actually consulted him for advice on housing.

If that presidential candidate had been John McCain, you would have called it a major scandal and we would be getting stories in your paper every day about how incompetent and corrupt he was.

But instead, that candidate was Barack Obama, and so you have buried this story, and when the McCain campaign dared to call Raines an "adviser" to the Obama campaign — because that campaign had sought his advice — you actually let Obama's people get away with accusing McCain of lying, merely because Raines wasn't listed as an official adviser to the Obama campaign.

You would never tolerate such weasely nit-picking from a Republican.

If you who produce our local daily paper actually had any principles, you would be pounding this story, because the prosperity of all Americans was put at risk by the foolish, short-sighted, politically selfish, and possibly corrupt actions of leading Democrats, including Obama.

If you who produce our local daily paper had any personal honor, you would find it unbearable to let the American people believe that somehow Republicans were to blame for this crisis.

There are precedents. Even though President Bush and his administration never said that Iraq sponsored or was linked to 9/11, you could not stand the fact that Americans had that misapprehension — so you pounded us with the fact that there was no such link. (Along the way, you created the false impression that Bush had lied to them and said that there was a connection.)

If you had any principles, then surely right now, when the American people are set to blame President Bush and John McCain for a crisis they tried to prevent, and are actually shifting to approve of Barack Obama because of a crisis he helped cause, you would be laboring at least as hard to correct that false impression.

Your job, as journalists, is to tell the truth. That's what you claim you do, when you accept people's money to buy or subscribe to your paper.

But right now, you are consenting to or actively promoting a big fat lie — that the housing crisis should somehow be blamed on Bush, McCain, and the Republicans. You have trained the American people to blame everything bad — even bad weather — on Bush, and they are responding as you have taught them to.

If you had any personal honor, each reporter and editor would be insisting on telling the truth — even if it hurts the election chances of your favorite candidate.

Because that's what honorable people do. Honest people tell the truth even when they don't like the probable consequences. That's what honesty means . That's how trust is earned.

Barack Obama is just another politician, and not a very wise one. He has revealed his ignorance and naivete time after time — and you have swept it under the rug, treated it as nothing.

Meanwhile, you have participated in the borking of Sarah Palin, reporting savage attacks on her for the pregnancy of her unmarried daughter — while you ignored the story of John Edwards's own adultery for many months.

So I ask you now: Do you have any standards at all? Do you even know what honesty means?

Is getting people to vote for Barack Obama so important that you will throw away everything that journalism is supposed to stand for?

You might want to remember the way the National Organization of Women threw away their integrity by supporting Bill Clinton despite his well-known pattern of sexual exploitation of powerless women. Who listens to NOW anymore? We know they stand for nothing; they have no principles.

That's where you are right now.

It's not too late. You know that if the situation were reversed, and the truth would damage McCain and help Obama, you would be moving heaven and earth to get the true story out there.

If you want to redeem your honor, you will swallow hard and make a list of all the stories you would print if it were McCain who had been getting money from Fannie Mae, McCain whose campaign had consulted with its discredited former CEO, McCain who had voted against tightening its lending practices.

Then you will print them, even though every one of those true stories will point the finger of blame at the reckless Democratic Party, which put our nation's prosperity at risk so they could feel good about helping the poor, and lay a fair share of the blame at Obama's door.

You will also tell the truth about John McCain: that he tried, as a Senator, to do what it took to prevent this crisis. You will tell the truth about President Bush: that his administration tried more than once to get Congress to regulate lending in a responsible way.

This was a Congress-caused crisis, beginning during the Clinton administration, with Democrats leading the way into the crisis and blocking every effort to get out of it in a timely fashion.

If you at our local daily newspaper continue to let Americans believe — and vote as if — President Bush and the Republicans caused the crisis, then you are joining in that lie.

If you do not tell the truth about the Democrats — including Barack Obama — and do so with the same energy you would use if the miscreants were Republicans — then you are not journalists by any standard.

You're just the public relations machine of the Democratic Party, and it's time you were all fired and real journalists brought in, so that we can actually have a news paper in our city.

This article first appeared in The Rhinoceros Times of Greensboro, North Carolina.

President Obama

Joe Biden, speaking about how the world will react to a President Obama: “Mark my words, it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Watch. We're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he's going to need help… to stand with him. Because it's not going to be apparent initially; it's not going to be apparent that we're right.”

Uh… did Senator Biden just acknowledge that Barack Obama is viewed as such a WEAKLING by our adversaries that they’re GUARANTEED to do something – i.e. terrorist attack on American soil, nuclear proliferation, the military invasion of an American ally – that will “test” the new President?

And did Biden ALSO say that President Obama’s response to this “test” will be deeply unpopular with the American people, but we’ll need to “stand with him” anyway?

Jesus fuckin’ Christ, people. Wake up.

-JKD

Smokers versus Fat Fucks

It’s become fashionable lately to bash smokers. In fact, some government agencies and private companies flatly REFUSE to hire ANYONE who smokes. I don’t agree with this – and everything being equal, I’d MUCH rather work with a nicotine-junkie than a big Fat Fuck. Smokers tend to be risk takers and thrill seekers, full of entertaining stories about sex, booze, and run-ins with law enforcement. Fat Fucks are boring and pathetic – always whining about their appearance, the dearth of well-fitting clothes, and all their various health difficulties. Plus, they crank the fuckin’ air conditioning up until your teeth chatter & your balls freeze off.

Shit, smokers might not possess a particularly pleasing personal aroma, but at least they don’t recreate the Arctic climate in the work-zone.

-JKD

Racism, nigger and the misuse of language

Some things in life are just sad. A math major who can’t calculate the right tip to leave at Applebee’s is sad. A Native American named Custer is sad. An animal rights activist wearing leather shoes is sad. A meth addict who’ll only eat organic food is sad. In short, ignorance is sad – particularly by those who ought to know better. At the linguistic epicenter of ignorance in the field of social activism is the horrendous overuse of the word “racism.” Ethnic minorities of all educational backgrounds inappropriately hurl allegations of “racism” with stunning regularity and shocking indifference… and shame on them. Words carry specific meanings, and – if we’re going to rely upon language to convey specific thoughts and ideas – these meanings are important. The misuse of the word “racism” has greatly injured society’s ability to accurately identify ACTUAL racist behavior from other misdeeds, effectively dulling our perceptive senses and our ability to provide an effective remedy.

Take the word “nigger,” for example. The word “nigger” is not and never was a racist word. Its meaning has absolutely NOTHING to do with racism. There is not a single racist sentiment in the sentence: “Fuck you, nigger!” The word “nigger” is an epithet, not an espousal of racism. Are you confused? Let’s examine the meaning of racism:

First, a few comparisons for clarity’s sake: a racist is someone who espouses racism, just as a capitalist is someone who espouses capitalism. Let’s take the comparison further: a capitalist is someone who believes in the superiority of the capitalistic system of economics; he does not necessarily hate or dislike communists. A polygamist believes in the superiority of a matrimonial system with multiple life-partners; he does not necessarily hate or dislike monogamists. A monotheist believes in the superiority of a belief structure entailing the existence of a singular deity; he does not necessarily hate or dislike atheists. Likewise, a racist is someone who believes in the superiority of one race over another within a certain context; he does not necessarily hate or dislike the other races. Racism, hatred, and a rabid dislike of other ethnicities carry ZERO correlation… in and of themselves. They are separate, autonomous entities.

People who hate other races aren’t racists; they’re bigots. A bigot is someone who dislikes a specific person because of his or her group affiliation. And most of the people using the word “nigger” (outside of a handful of blacks who use the term as slang for “friend” – or shitty black comedians who use the word in lieu of writing a decent fuckin’ punch line) are bigots, not racists. A bigot’s hatred needs not depend upon notions of superiority. The bigotry can be linked to almost ANYTHING AT ALL.

Furthermore, a bigot doesn’t necessarily make individual assumption about someone’s personality or characteristics based upon group identity. Bigots just flat-out dislike another group – and WHY they dislike this group depends upon the bigot. Some bigots dislike Jews… not because of what Jews believe or an assumption of how they behave, but because they believe Jews are historically responsible for killing Christ. Other bigots dislike those from other geographic regions because of how they vote on Election Day. And some bigots dislike minorities because they’re insecure about their own shortcomings – or because they’re just assholes. Bigotry doesn’t necessarily have ANYTHING to do with racial assumptions.

In fact, there’s a completely separate word for the act of making assumptions about other people based upon group identity, and this word is “prejudice.” A prejudice could be good or bad, positive or negative, based upon the context and situation. Someone seeing a Latino person picking up garbage outside of an expensive house might presuppose that the individual is a hired hand rather than homeowner; such a belief is based upon a prejudice. It’s not necessarily racist, nor is the belief necessarily borne of bigotry. Hey, if you know that the neighborhood is predominantly white – and the lawn crew is predominantly Latino – then you’d simply be prejudging the situation based on race-based demographics.

What, then, is a racist belief? Well, some racist beliefs are innocuous: stating that the average white person is better at basketball than the average Asian person because whites tend to be taller than Asians – and being tall is an advantage in basketball – is racist; it’s the presumption of racial superiority within a specific context. Believing blacks can run or jump faster than whites – or have bigger dicks – is also racist. Sometimes racism can be almost humorous; feeling more comfortable in a hospital because a doctor has a Jewish last name could be defined as racist, if you believe that Judaism is a racial identity. And of course, racism can take upon far more ominous forms; believing one race is greedy, lazy, or intellectually inferior is racism of the WORST kind.

Someone using the word “nigger” is typically an indication that the speaker is a bigot who harbors race-based prejudices. A leftist’s support of race-based affirmative action policies is typically an indication that the espouser holds a prejudice regarding ethnicity and opportunity. And someone who believes that all Hispanics are lazy, inferior, and corrupt is a racist bigot with numerous prejudices.

Why bother with these distinctions? Why split these linguistic hairs? The answer is that one needs to correctly identify the problem before embarking upon a solution – and changing the mind of a racist takes a different approach than rebutting a bigoted belief or a race-based prejudice. Often times, racism can be combated intellectually – and bigotry debunked emotionally – and prejudice eliminated through experience. One size does not fit all, and these minority activists that incessantly use the word “racism” to cover all three categories are doing a disservice to the cause they presumably support. Racism, bigotry, and prejudice, carried to extremes, are responsible for numerous abominations throughout human history – but the cure for these societal ills is NOT to treat all ailments with the exact same vaccine or label. A deliberate approach – based upon the nature of the disease – makes much more sense.

Doing anything less… would be sad.

-JKD

An interview with the Prophet Mohammed

KNUCKLEFISH: Right off the bat, I wanted to thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Mohammed. My opening question is, what’s the proper spelling of your name? Is it “Mohammed,” “Muhammad,” “Muhammed,” or what? I’ve seen it spelled countless different ways.

MOHAMMED: First of all, this interview is my pleasure. I’m a big fan of your blog, Mr. Knucklefish, and I’m just glad to be a part of it. As for my name… spell it any which way ya like. Doesn’t bother my ass. Hell, call me Moe if ya want. See, “Mohammed” ain’t an English name – it’s an Arabic name – so whatever phonetic spelling works for you is cool with me. Although… can I offer an observation over the phonetic English spellings of some other religious words?

KNUCKLEFISH: Of course.

MOHAMMED: There are lots of names in the Judeo-Christian culture that begin with the letter “J” – Jesus, Jonah, Job, Judas, Judah, John, Jerusalem, Joseph, Jacob, Joshua, and so forth. The problem is, in Hebrew, the letter “J” doesn’t frickin’ exist. And the sound doesn’t exist either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation of Jerusalem is “Yirusalem.” I don’t know why you English-speaking dolts insist on using the “J” sound so frickin’ much. You call the followers of Moses the Jews, the Jews speak Hebrew, and the “J” sound doesn’t even exist in Hebrew. It’s strange, man. But I guess that’s par for the course; Germans call their country Deutschland, yet you insist on calling it Germany. Enough with the “J” sounds already. Sheesh.

KNUCKLEFISH: What are your opinions regarding the other great religions of the world? Let’s begin with Buddhism…

MOHAMMED: Buddhism is sort of wacky. It preaches moderation in extreme terms, which seems inherently contradictory, doesn’t it? And Buddha’s thoughts on moderation apparently didn’t extend to the buffet table. Have you SEEN the statues of Buddha in those Chinese restaurants? The dude must weigh 400 fuckin’ pounds! Say what you want about me, Jesus, and Moses, but at least we’re height and weight proportionate. A good rule of thumb is, don’t trust any deity whose weakness is Häagen-Dazs.

KNUCKLEFISH: Interesting. How about Hinduism?

MOHAMMED: I just can’t take ANY religion seriously that worships COWS. Y’know what I mean? You shouldn’t be able to tip over your God when He sleeps at night. Man, the founding fathers of Hinduism didn’t put too much frickin’ effort into this, did they? “Say, Rajib, what do you suppose God looks like?” “I dunno. He probably has 15 arms. Either that, or our God is a cow. Oh, look: Our new God is shitting in the field. It’s a miracle!” “Yeah, I think you got a little of that ‘miracle’ on your shoe, Oh Wise One.” My personal theory is that Hindu’s founding fathers were all lactose intolerant.

KNUCKLEFISH: You briefly mentioned Jesus and Moses a little bit earlier, the two gentlemen who are primarily affiliated with the other two major monotheistic religions of the world, Judaism and Christianity. Do you feel any kinship with those individuals – and the faiths they represent?

MOHAMMED: Yeah, you bet. Jesus and Moses are swell guys – I like ‘em a lot. And the three religions are all derived from the same source: An unshakable faith in a single Heavenly Father who loves us, punishes us, and demands we say prayers before we can eat. Additionally, all three religions also have specific buildings – temples, churches, and mosques – where people go to pray, donate money, and brainwash children. So there’s a lot of symmetry, you see.

KNUCKLEFISH: Right now in the Middle East, there’s a great deal of hostility between the Jews and the Muslims.

MOHAMMED: That’s a terrible, terrible thing. Do you know how all this started? Three or four thousand years ago, Abraham booted his first-born son Ishmael from his tent, after Abe’s wife Sara gave birth to Isaac. Ishmael became the father of the Arabs, and Isaac’s descendants are the Jews. So basically, if Abraham had access to affordable childcare, this entire conflict could’ve been avoided. It’s sort of sad, seeing the Jews and Muslims fighting to the death over who controls some sandy, sweltering real estate in the middle of the fuckin’ desert. Meanwhile, the Christians own Tahiti, Hawaii, Fiji and the Bahamas. Think about it: We’re bashing each other in the frickin’ head over Dorito dust while Charlie Christian is dining on filet mignon. The Jews and Arabs are like two drunk guys at closing time, fighting over who gets to bang the fat chick at the end of the bar.

KNUCKLEFISH: Who’s right and who’s wrong in the Arab / Israeli dispute?

MOHAMMED: Eh, I don’t even wanna think about that mess. With all the resources both sides are wasting on military spending, they could’ve fed a whole lot of poor people. Anyway, Jews and Arabs have more in common than they’d like to admit: They both live in the desert, they can’t eat pork, their women are bossy, their kids are emotionally fucked, and their high holy days include fasting. Y’know, the Jews and the Muslims really should join forces and conquer those rich-ass Christians. Shit, those Christians own all the good tropical islands, gorge their fat faces on barbecued pork ribs, and spend their major holiday gulping alcoholic eggnog. Isn’t that a more natural enemy for us?

KNUCKLEFISH: Is Islam truly a religion of peace?

MOHAMMED: It can be, but it depends on your interpretation. I wasn’t a particularly peaceful man myself, being that I led an armed invasion and the violent overthrow of a leader. Of course, George Washington had a pretty violent existence, too. But violence isn’t necessarily bad either; it all depends on the reason behind it. There’s good violence and bad violence.

KNUCKLEFISH: Speaking of violence, how can you defend Islam in light of the repugnant terrorist attacks and homicide bombings?

MOHAMMED: I defend the religion, not the people. And to be fair, your Christian wackaloons have used the teachings of Jesus to defend some horrible, awful things – like bombing abortion clinics, launching global wars, and the institution of slavery. I’ve noticed that some of Islam’s harshest critics in the United States are rabid right-wingers – guys like Pat Robertson. Interestingly, Pat also supports gun rights, arguing that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, Islam doesn’t kill people either. In the case of these mindless terrorists, it’s a perverted value system that kills people. Quite frankly, I’m personally embarrassed by these assholes, ‘cause they’re killing civilians in MY name. And a good number of ‘em are named Mohammed to boot! It’s a double-whammy: “Why did you bomb me?” “Because of Mohammed.” “Ok. What’s your name?” “Mohammed.” They’re giving me a real shitty image in the world community, and I’m frickin’ tired of it. People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Osama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to that fucktard Osama, the perception of Islam has been set back at LEAST a hundred years.

KNUCKLEFISH: Do 72 vestal virgins really await these terrorists?

MOHAMMED: Yeah, but all the virgins are black guys. Really, REALLY well-endowed black guys. Guys who pitch and don’t catch, if ya follow what I’m saying. Plus, none of their chairs have any cushioning. It’s NOT a good deal.

KNUCKLEFISH: In conclusion, do you have any regrets?

MOHAMMED: Yeah… I regret making alcohol a sin. Sometimes folks just need a release. And after a long, arduous day atop a camel in the sweltering desert, popping open a nice cold beer really does help a man unwind. Ya know what I mean? That, and I regret never having a skateboard. Those things look like FUN, man! I guess all the sand would’ve jammed up the wheels, though. But just once, I would’ve liked to skateboard down the sidewalk. ‘Course, if ever rode a skateboard, some of my dopey fundamentalist followers would probably bomb bicycle and rolling skate stores for being “blasphemous.” Frickin’ idiots. Man, I really hate those guys.

-JKD

Political solutions

One of the things I really don’t like about Barack Obama is that he keeps on belching about his intrepid, can’t-miss “political solutions.” And he’s not alone, of course; every candidate promises the voters handy-dandy political solutions (albeit typically not with Obama’s delusional grandiosity and misplaced self-assuredness). It’s so disingenuous – and it’s a telltale sign of a bullshit artist.

Look, folks: There are no political solutions. None. They don’t exist. They’re 100% fictional entities, like werewolves, the Land of Oz, and big-dicked Asians. Repeat: There are no political solutions. All we have are a series of competing theories for attempting to manage life’s unsolvable problems.

Hearing repackaged theories on why this or that “political solution” will transform America and finally “solve” some longstanding societal problem might SOUND attractive. Particularly to the weak-minded or the government-educated drones in the audience. But it’s pure bullshit, man - and SHAME ON YOU for even momentarily buying this fecal-dripping nonsense.

There is NO easy way out, boys and girls. And there are NO political solutions.

Think about it this way: Was George Washington fuckin’ stupid? Was Thomas Jefferson a raging moron? Did Abraham Lincoln eat paint chips as a child? Was FDR in a wheelchair ‘cause he fell out a hotel window and landed on his head? Of course not. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and FDR were all political GENIUSES and exemplary leaders. So were Madison, Hamilton, Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt and Reagan. Granted, our politicians might be duplicitous and self-serving, but you can bet your white, pimply ass that the pool of intellectual talent passing through the Capitol Hill corridors was and is off-the-charts brilliant. Ok? All the easy work has been DONE already. All the obvious political answers were figured out CENTURIES ago. And today, what we’re left with are the unsolvable hardships that NO civilization has EVER satisfactorily addressed – i.e. conflicts pertaining to freedom, security, safety, justice, wealth, and equality.

C’mon, folks. Stop bullshitting yourselves. What, you think either Barack Obama or John McCain somehow stumbled over the political Holy Grail – and discovered the magic bullet for all of mankind’s eons-old problems? That one of THOSE TWO is a rarified genius who’ll succeed where every other world leader in ALL of human history has failed? Well, they’re already IN the Senate. Guess they never got around to proposing those solutions while on the job, eh? Must be an oversight.

Shame on YOU for being so embarrassingly gullible – and shame on the candidates for treating us like frickin’ simpletons.

There are no political solutions.

Here’s how you should look at this Presidential election: John McCain and Barack Obama are both applying for an executive job – and the requirements of this job are to oversee the federal government, advance America’s interests on the world stage, and pursue policies that will minimize life’s eternal hardships… without wasting too much money in the process. Nothing more, nothing less. And ANYTHING a politician promises beyond those basic job requirements is utter bullshit.

John McCain: “My friends, I have a plan to solve these problems!” Barack Obama: “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!” John, you’re NOT my friend – and your plan won’t fix jackshit. And Barack, if we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for… then I guess we’re already there, aren’t we? And y’know what? Still no solution to those problems, oh Messiah.

Here’s an ironclad Rule of Life that you nimrods should tattoo to your brain: Any politician who’s promising you “political solutions” is selling you something that doesn’t work. Ignore it and move on.

-JKD

The commercial John McCain NEEDS to run

Here’s the political ad that John McCain SHOULD run. Forget about a measly 30-second ad-buy; purchase a FIVE-MINUTE BLOCK in PRIME TIME and run with this:

SETTING: John McCain, sitting alone in a room with an American flag, a few family photos, and some eye-catching awards and military medals. Maybe throw in a few Bibles and crucifixes, to appease the evangelicals.

JOHN MCCAIN: Greetings. I’m Senator John McCain, candidate for the highest office in the land – the President of the United States of America. Either myself or my opponent, Senator Barack Obama, will be responsible for leading the U.S. military to victory in no less than two global wars; managing the largest economic recovery plan in world history; preventing our nation from ever being attacked again by Islamic terrorists; ensuring that rogue nations like Iran will never gain access to nuclear weapons; rebuilding the housing market; creating new, high-paying jobs; providing accessible medical care to all Americans; smashing through the corruption and cronyism that’s run rampant in Wall Street and Washington; and once and for all, for actually implementing an energy plan that will finally produce enough oil, nuclear, coal, and alternative sources of energy for our nation to be freed of its Middle East oil dependency. It’s an incredible challenge – perhaps the greatest challenge America has faced since the unspeakable horrors of World War II. But as God is my witness, I fully believe that my life experiences have uniquely provided me with the wisdom, dedication, and legislative knowhow to meet each and every one of these challenges. I also believe that my opponent is better suited to talking about these challenges than actually overcoming them.

With all the political finger pointing going on, some straight talk is long overdue. Most of you know my life story by now: I was born to a military family, where patriotism, honor and a solemn oath to serve this nation was instilled in me at an early age. I was something of a wild child as a young man; sure, I graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy and won medals for bravery, but I was an unserious man – vain, full of bravado, and I honestly didn’t believe I had any limitations. The younger version of me probably had a lot in common with my opponent. [SMILE]

But that all changed when my plane was shot down over Vietnam. I was beaten, brutalized and horrifically tortured… but when the Vietnamese discovered that my father was a famous Admiral, they offered me early release because they felt it would be of propaganda value to our enemies, and help demoralize the American war effort. I refused to leave captivity until every last P.O.W. captured before me was also released, because that was the military code of conduct I swore to uphold. Angered, the Vietnamese spent the next five years brutalizing me daily. Some of my war wounds are permanent; you may recall that my opponent mocked me for not regularly using a personal computer. What he didn’t tell you is that my shoulders were ripped from alignment through systematic torture from jailors in that prison, rendering it very difficult for me to sit before a computer keyboard and type. I felt that my opponent’s criticism was a political cheap shot, but such is par in modern day politics, where cheap shots are camouflaged by ambiguous platitudes like “hope” and “change.”

My shoulders might be permanently damaged, but my mind emerged completely unscathed. My courage was dramatically strengthened by the indelible images of my fellow countrymen, all P.O.W.s as well, sacrificing their very life so others may live. Far too many of those brave young men never made it back home, but their vision of America never once dimmed. And my love of country grew exponentially, until it was only surpassed by my love of God. I was completely stripped of my arrogance, vanity, and that youthful belief that I was somehow superior to everyone else. As penance, I chose to dedicate myself to honoring the sacrifices of my Band of Brothers – that Legion of Heroes – and do everything in my power to help the United States of America live up to her ideals of liberty for all her children at home… and always remain a Beacon of Hope for all humanity.

My war experiences alone don’t qualify me to be President, but they do give you a glimpse of my values, faith, and the code of honor I hope to bring back to the White House. And perhaps it gives you a glimpse of my soul. What does qualify me to be President is my unique understanding of the military; my intimate knowledge of global affairs in this particularly dangerous age; my unrivaled ability to reach across party lines and pass important legislation; my willingness to sacrifice personal credit and political ambition to save America’s economy; and my unwavering commitment to find, prosecute, and jail the criminals who enriched themselves on crooked financial deals while the rest of their countrymen suffered.

On the other hand, my opponent is a marvelous talker – and that’s not a criticism, that’s a compliment. The way he talks, he could sell snow cones to an Eskimo! But I’ve learned in life that there’s a big difference between talking and doing; that there are advantages to experience and humility; and most importantly, few things are more dangerous than a man whose ego is such that he actually admits in interviews that he never second guesses himself.

Senator Obama served a total of 143 days in session for the U.S. Senate before running for President. In the primaries, he ran as a far-left liberal, criticizing Hillary Clinton of all people for being too conservative! Now, he’s claiming he’s not actually a liberal – but an experienced, battle-tested moderate. He said that the surge wouldn’t work in Iraq and wanted to cut and run when things were tough – and now he claims that “everyone” was “surprised” that we’re succeeding. He never once defied his own party on any important legislation and believes everything is always the fault of Republicans – and yet he’s running as someone who can unite both parties. He blames everyone but himself for the housing crisis – and refuses to explain why the crooks who sabotaged the housing market gave him more money than anyone else on Capitol Hill during his brief tenure in the Senate. During this terrible economy he says he’ll only raise taxes on small businesses that make $250K a year – and doesn’t seem to understand that small businesses actually need to retain money before they can employ half-a-dozen people and provide good paying jobs. He then pledges to cut the federal taxes for 95% of Americans – even though only 40% of Americans pay federal taxes in the first place. My friends, even the corrupt big-spenders who wrecked Fannie Mae couldn’t make Obama’s budget work without exploding the deficit right through the stratosphere – which is ironic, since the CEO who ruined Fannie Mae is one of his chief advisors.

The bottom line is that there’s absolutely nothing in Senator Obama’s brief history that indicates he’ll be anything but an inexperienced, far-left President who’ll raise taxes, blowout the deficit, shackle the economy, underestimate our enemies, and take his marching orders directly from the far-left leaders of the Democrat Party, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.

As for me, even my harshest critics admit that I’m my own man – a man who swears on his life to always do what’s best for his country… even when it’s against my own personal or political interests.

But he can talk better than me. And his shoulders move better than mine. But I’ll work harder for him. And I solemnly swear to you on my God-given word of honor, I’ll provide real change that produces real results – and America will emerge safer, stronger, more prosperous, and freed from this senseless corruption. We’re facing real challenges in a dangerous world that cannot simply be talked away, and I’m ready to lead – not with my mouth, but with all the powers at my disposal as President of the United States of America.

I’m John McCain, and I fully support this message.

-JKD

Camille Paglia

Great, provocative read from Camille Paglia, my third favorite feminist intellectual (right after Pamela Anderson and Patton Oswalt). Check it out.

-JKD

The United States Army

I’m not a big fan of the Army’s “An Army of One” or “Army Strong” slogans. They’re not necessary. If the Army wants to attract recruits, all they have to do is be honest: “Join the Army! Babes dig guys in uniforms AND you get to kill people who look different than you! Plus, if you ever get arrested, you can tout your ‘military service’ and receive a lighter sentence! Pussy, guns and partial legal immunity: That’s today’s United States Army.”

A little honesty goes a long way.

One last military thought: The Navy Seals and the Green Berets are the two most prestigious military units in the United States Armed Services. One is named after a blubbery, fat Arctic mammal… and the other after a faggoty French hat. Good going, fellows.

-JKD

Obama, Ayers and Wright

Some people claim that Barack Obama’s long running relationships with Reverend Wright and William Ayers are no big deal. These people are frickin’ morons. First of all, if Obama wants to be trusted with RUNNING America, then he needs to better explain why he socializes with an unrepentant terrorist who BLEW UP America – and how a professional politician – someone who NETWORKS for a fuckin’ living – could be so amazingly blind to Reverend Wright’s paranoid, anti-American diatribes in that goofy Church / Improv he kept attending? I know you Obamaphiles don’t wanna hear it, but this isn’t exactly an outrageous request. Shit, as far as Presidential requests go, it’s the frickin’ league minimum.

Look, do you think the Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation would hire one of those wack-jobs from PETA as CEO? Or Stride Rite would name as brand manager someone who sits on the same board as the chairman of NAMBLA? Or Jimmy Dean-brand sausages would turn its corporate vision over to someone who lists a Nation of Islam minister as his religious advisor? Hey, maybe they would. Maybe they ALL would. Maybe it’s all an innocent misunderstanding. But for the love of God / Allah, I’m sure they’d at least ASK: “Say, mister – before we give ya the keys to the KFC executive bathroom and share with ya the Colonial’s super-secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices, couldja please let us know why you’ve got a stack of ‘Meat Is Murder’ pamphlets in your briefcase and fake blood in your car?” It just MGHT be a pertinent question during that whole employment interview. Y’know what I mean?

Shit, I don’t expect much from the U.S. government, but can’t we have standards AT LEAST as rigorous for becoming President of the United States as we do for selling fried chicken, children’s shoes, and repulsive, mass-produced sausages?

-JKD

Used cars and pre-owned automobiles

About 20 years ago, all the used cars around the nation vanished overnight. Poof – gone! And in their place were hundreds of thousands of “pre-owned” cars. The actual CONDITION of the cars didn’t change, of course; they were still used cars. The only thing that changed were the words used to DESCRIBE the cars. I can only assume that this was a carefully-researched marketing decision – that some PR mastermind decided that Joe and Jill Six Pack would be far more inclined to blow $5K on a pre-owned Toyota Corolla than a used one. And maybe they’re right.

But the trouble with this marketing strategy is twofold: One, the term makes absolutely ZERO sense whatsoever. (Pre-owned? How can something be owned before it’s owned? EVERYTHING is always owned by SOMEBODY. Right? Otherwise, ANYONE could take it. For example, a deer in the forest is pre-owned. If I shoot the deer, then it’s mine – I own it. Once I tear off its antlers and leave the rotting carcass in the woods, the deer becomes post-owned. So whereas a deer in the woods can be pre-owned, automobiles are always owned.) The second problem with “pre-owned” is that it’s an unattractive term. Nobody likes the prefix “pre” because there’re WAY too many unpleasant words and events associated with it: pretest, precancerous, precondition, prenuptial, prepay, premature ejaculation, premenstrual syndrome, pre-op trannie, etc. So the phrase “pre-owned” is simply bogus and nonsensical – plus it’s poor marketing.

If I owned a used car lot, do you know what I’d go with to describe my used merchandise? “Post-new.” Isn’t that better? “Post” sounds important – like the Washington Post. And “new” is EXACTLY what everyone buying a car would ideally like to have. “Post-new.” Sounds like a more advanced form of new. Hey, what would YOU prefer to drive? A used Ford, a pre-owned Honda – or a POST-NEW Subaru? Damn straight you would.

“Say, Jim! That’s a mighty fine car in your driveway.” “Thanks, Bob. The wife wanted me to drive around in a used Ford, but I talked her into this sleek, stylish, post-new Subaru. Sure, it cost a little more, but you can’t put a price tag on happiness.” “You bet, Jim! Way to go.”

Post-new. Trust me on this: It’s a frickin’ BRILLIANT idea.

-JKD

Wife-beating

According to a brand new government study, there’s a direct link between wife-beating, and some asshole’s dinner getting overcooked.

Speaking of which, here’s a tip just for the guys: When at a bar, NEVER make a pass at a woman who has a black eye. Obviously she already HAS a boyfriend.

And on top of it all, she evidently doesn’t listen very well.

-JKD

Talking chickens

Here’s a philosophical question I’ve been musing of late: If chickens could talk, would we be so cavalier about killing them? Maybe. It would probably depend on what they were talking about.

‘Cause I’ll be damned if I’m gonna take any shit from a mouthy fuckin’ chicken.

-JKD

Prison movies

Have you ever watched one of those prison movies where the evil, masochist warden is always threatening to throw some poor fuck into the dreaded “hole”? And everyone is like, “Oh, NOOOO!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE don’t send me to the hole! ANYTHING but that!!!” Look, I gotta be candid with you: If I were an inmate, and my options were to either stay in the general population – where I’d spend my days getting the shit kicked out of me by prison guards, and my nights getting serial-raped by murderers and psychopaths – I don’t think I’d really mind getting sent to the hole. Y’know what I mean?

In fact, I’d probably prefer it.

Hey, I’d sleep in all day, daydream during the afternoon, and play with my pecker at night, fantasizing about girls I’ll never have a chance to fuck. It would sort of be like my freshman year in college.

Never understood all the fuss about the stupid “hole”…

-JKD

Strip club etiquette for men

Gentlemen, when frequenting those neon-clad nighttime establishments known as strip clubs, tittie bars, nudie joints, snatch factories, etc., it’s CRITICAL for you to keep in mind these 10 simple rules:

1. DO NOT be a sucker and insist on getting a lap dance from the hottest, sexiest stripper in the bar. Or only focusing on the stripper with the biggest tits. That’s a ROOKIE mistake. Instead, get a lap dance from the stripper who’s most obviously hooked on illegal drugs – ‘cause she’ll be FAR more liberal when it comes to “touching.” Trust me on this.

2. Never wear underwear into a tittie bar. And ALWAYS wear your absolutely thinnest pair of pants. It’ll make the lap dances MUCH more enjoyable.

3. DO NOT buy the stripper a drink. No matter how much she begs. Trust me, she has PLENTY of whisky, weed and crank in the locker room.

4. If you’re at one of those strip clubs that’s fully nude and doesn’t serve alcohol, make SURE you’re butt-wasted BEFORE you pay the cover charge. ‘Cause the LAST thing you want is to be sober enough to realize how fuckin’ pathetic your life has become.

5. Don’t tip the waitress or the bartender. Really, what’s the point?

6. When making small talk with the strippers, constantly hint at having a big supply of coke in your car. You’ll get LOTS of one-on-one attention this way, and might even be able to swap a bag of Sweet & Low for a hummer.

7. Going to the tittie bar should ALWAYS be the FINAL bar you visit for the night. ‘Cause if you FIRST go to the strip club and THEN go to a regular bar, it’s just too frickin’ weird. You’ll find yourself talking to “normal” girls… while internally debating with yourself whether or not to give ‘em a $1 bill to take off their tops. It just doesn’t work.

8. For God’s sake, if you’re at one of those high-end tittie bars that has a tuxedo-dressed guy in the men’s bathroom with a supply of cologne and a tip jar, DO NOT feel obligated to give him a frickin’ dime. Besides, he’s not REALLY in there to sell you a spritz of Polo anyway, man. He’s just there to make sure you’re not wacking off in the john. Tittie bars NEED their patrons to be horny and frustrated in order to be profitable, and operate under a strict “no-wacky” policy.

9. Even if you really, truly believe that the bouncer’s Mom is a crackhead whore, it’s probably best if you kept that opinion to yourself. Especially if you’ve just completed intricate dental work.

10. No matter how much the stripper laughs at your jokes or feigns an interest in your painfully boring life, ALWAYS remember: Strippers HATE all their clients and they’re NOT going to make an exception for you. In fact, they don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with you outside the strip club. EVER – irrespective of how many lap dances you buy. You’re nothing more than an ATM in her eyes. This is just a business. And listen, before you start feeling superior to that tit-shaking stripper, remember: Somewhere in that club, a girl is gonna make more money this week than YOU did. Hey, strippers might be hookers without the orgasm – but on any given night, at least one stripper is going home with four-figures in her hip pocket.

-JKD

Drunk driving

When it comes to the Drunk Driving epidemic that’s absolutely wreaking HAVOC on our nation, some people blame the individual drunk driver for getting behind the wheel & putting us all at risk. Others blame the bartenders for getting their patrons drunk and turning a blind eye to the carnage. And some even blame society itself for its cultural acceptance of dangerous, inebriating agents.

Personally, I blame the other cars, for looking all blurry. And the highways, for spinning around and making me all nauseous.

Come on, science: let’s have a solution already.

-JKD

Women: The men of earth want you to know something...

Hello, ladies. The men of planet earth have asked me to speak with you about three little problems we’re having in our inter-gender interactions:

First, STOP equating fellatio with cunnilingus. It’s NOT a parallel experience! You know why? It’s because there’s absolutely NOTHING particularly gruesome about the human penis… at least, not until the bitter end, I mean. It’s simply a skin-covered appendage. But when a man goes down on a woman, he’s essentially snacking on an open wound. OK? Have you ever really LOOKED at a vagina up close? They look like a science experiment that was microwaved too long. Therefore, we hereby demand a ten-to-one blowjob to muff-diving tradeoff.

Second, PMS is NOT supposed to last the WHOLE month. Jesus, STOP being so bitchy. So I left the toilet seat up – big fucking deal, stop yelling at me. Maybe – just MAYBE – when you lower your panties and stick your naked ass backwards, you should first LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GODDAM GOING. Even drugged-out hookers look first; that’s just common sense.

And thirdly, for Christ’s sake, you’ve been having your periods since you were in frickin’ middle school. Learn how to deal with it already! ‘Cause if we men have gained enough self control not to beat the shit out of you when our football team fails to cover, I don’t wanna see you women rave like a lunatic when your stupid hormones are slightly stirred.

Thank you.

-JKD

Mexican anal sex

Of ALL the countries in the world, I’ll bet that Mexico has the lowest level of anal sex amongst married couples. Why? Simple logic, my friend: Most Mexicans are Catholic, and the Catholic Church strictly prohibits ANY sexual activity that cannot lead to conception – which obviously includes anal sex. Second of all, sexual activity in a windy, sandy climate like Mexico is never a good idea, particularly when it involves orifices that aren’t naturally lubricated. And finally… would YOU want to fuck someone up the ass who habitually eats large quantities of refried beans, jalapenos, and onions? Fuck no!

Jesus Christ, anal sex with a Mexican must be like going spelunking in a septic tank.

-JKD

The Second Coming of Christ

A lot of Christians think the Second Coming – which is, of course, the return of Jesus Christ to earth – is juuuust around the corner. Well… what makes you think Jesus is coming back? Because he PROMISED he would? Yeah, but that was before a bunch of locals nailed him to a big fuckin’ stick. That’s not very hospitable. Shit, I won’t even return to a restaurant if they overcook my hamburger – so trust me, I certainly wouldn’t return to a planet if they drove nails through my hands and propped me up on a big wooden stake.

Those are the sort of things that MIGHT cause me to seriously reevaluate my travel plans. Y’know what I mean?

-JKD

“The early bird gets the worm”

“The early bird gets the worm.” So? The LATE bird gets a worm, too. There’s not a limited supply of worms in the world. Have you EVER heard of a worm-shortage? I haven’t. Have you? Besides, even though the early bird might get a worm, the early MOUSE gets its neck snapped in half by the mousetrap. And the second, lazier mouse walks away with the cheese.

So turn off your alarm clock and sleep in tomorrow.

-JKD

Drunk driving and drunk dating

Have you ever driven your car COMPLETELY drunk, swerved over to one of those blue drop-off mailboxes, and tried to order yourself a Big Mac and fries? Yeah… that doesn’t impress your date too much, does it? That’s usually when she jumps out of the car and threatens to shoot you with her mace.

Hey, it’s an honest mistake, ladies. Lighten up.

-JKD

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson

In today’s Dallas Morning News: Apparently, after beating the Browns in Cleveland, getting 13 stitches stapled to his chin, and flying back to Dallas at 11:00 pm, Tony Romo noticed a middle-aged couple stranded by the road with a flat tire. Without volunteering who he was, Romo pulled over and helped the couple repair the tire and finish their road trip. And to his credit, Romo didn’t promote his good deed to the media; the couple themselves contacted the local newspaper to share their story.

I’m thinking, maybe Jessica Simpson was on the rag, and Tony Romo just wasn’t in a rush to get back home. Y’know what I mean? “Honey, how was your day?” “Did you miss me?” “Ooh, what happened to your chin?” “That’s gross!” “OK, let me tell you about MY day…” Blah, bah, blah. Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, frickin’ BLAH!!!

That’s my theory.

-JKD

Prostitution loopholes

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Sarah Palin versus Bill Clinton

Executive Experience?

When then-Governor Bill Clinton was elected President in 1992, his state budget was $2 billion. Palin's budget is over $12 billion. And only one other state in the union provides its Governors with more concentrated executive power – including a line-item veto over the state budget that can only be overridden by a three-quarters majority of the Legislature – than Alaska (Massachusetts ranks first).

Source: Wall Street Journal

-JKD

Taco Bell miracle

Once, I was driving my car and was stuck in traffic. It was about lunchtime and my stomach started to growl. I cried, “Please, Jesus, provide me with something to eat! Please, Jesus, do not forsake me!”

And miraculously, a taco slid from under my car seat! It must’ve fallen out of my Taco Bell bag a week-or-so ago! Yet I was so happy that Jesus Christ answered my prayers that I ate the taco in under a minute. “Praise Jesus!” I joyfully declared. It was a miracle!

Alas, an hour later, Satan gave me food poisoning and I shit my pants. I must not have prayed hard enough that day.

-JKD

American Wealth...

If you confiscated ALL the wealth in the United States and gave everyone the exact same amount, after about twenty years, most of the same people who are rich now will be rich then, and most of the same people who are poor now will be poor then. You wanna know why? It’s because – other than in rare situations – people become rich or poor on the basis of the decisions they make. The people who make decisions that typically lead to wealth will continue to do so; so will the people whose decisions typically lead to poverty. Poverty and wealth are the byproducts of personal decisions.

And life isn’t that much more complicated than this, folks.

-JKD

Fun Facts about Sarah Palin as Commander of the Alaska National Guard

Fun Facts about Sarah Palin as Commander of the Alaska National Guard:

• As governor, Palin oversees military units whose duties include serving overseas, search-and-rescue missions across the state's vast landscape and manning key elements of the U.S. missile defense system at Ft. Greely.

• The Alaska National Guard is unusual in that its jobs include manning part of the U.S. missile defense system. The 49th Missile Defense Battalion works on interceptor missiles designed to shoot down intercontinental missiles.

• Members of the Alaska National Guard also were deployed to Iraq, and Palin visited their unit in July 2007.

• The Alaska Air National Guard, with 1,946 service members, is involved in an exceptional number of search-and-rescue missions. Since Palin became governor in December 2006, the Air Guard has flown 521 missions, saving 200 lives and assisting with the rescue of 77 more people, said Kalei Brooks, a spokeswoman for the Alaska Department of Military and Veterans Affairs. That's the most in the nation over that time period.

• During one declared disaster - widespread flooding in June and July this year - Palin quickly signed a disaster declaration. The Guard saved civilians by providing water tanks and 30,000 sandbags to local authorities.

What's Obama or Biden's military experience, again?

-JKD

Indian names in sports

Lots of Native American groups throw shit-fits over high school, college and professional sports teams using Indians as mascots: “Ugh, Big Chief Hiawatha no likem using Redskins for name of football team. Me no likem use Tomahawk-chop for Atlanta Braves. Me walkem many moons to complain. Drinkem much fire-water. Ugh.”

Well, why do these Indians only complain about athletic teams and sport mascots? I’ve NEVER heard an Indian activist complain about the Jeep Cherokee. Or better yet, I’ve never heard an Indian utter a peep about an American LANDMASS being named after an Indian tribe. Think about it: A hostile government takes over the Indians’ land, denies the Indians basic human rights, ships ‘em off to disease-riddled reservations in the middle of nowhere – and then names the land the white man’s government now controls after the same Indians they’ve just displaced! Sioux City, Tallahassee, Manhattan… even the state INDIANA to me seems MUCH more offensive than using an Indian name in conjunction with a sports team. So why are Native Americans so preoccupied with changing the name of the Cleveland Indians, yet apparently don’t give a fuck about changing the name of the Indianapolis 500?

Why are sports bad… but gas-guzzling cars, redneck car races and white-dominated landmasses OK?

-JKD

MILF Hunters for Palin

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"Welcome back, folks!"

You know what really pisses me off? Watching a TV talk-show… and after about 12 minutes of meandering yakking & product placements, the program goes to a commercial break. Then, after two minutes of dopey advertisements, the TV host says, “Welcome back!” Hey, asshole: I didn’t leave! I was here the whole fuckin’ time! I was watching your stupid commercials! YOU left – not ME. Who’s kidding who here?

-JKD

Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, and pregnant teenagers

So Sarah Palin has a 17-year-old daughter named Bristol who’s pregnant and engaged to be married. My question is… WHY is this even considered a political scandal?! Hell, in today’s society, this barely qualifies for high school lunchtime gossip anymore. To me, the most shocking aspect is the fact that a 17-year-old is currently ENGAGED. Now THAT’S something you don’t see everyday in 2008 America (at least, not outside West Virginia).

And to those dipshit liberals who’re trying to argue that this SHOULD be a political issue ‘cause Palin advocates abstinence-only education, let me ask a few quick questions:

One, why wasn’t Al Gore’s opposition to recreational drug use a political issue after his son was busted for driving drunk with 100+ Vicodin pills in a baggie? Or when his fat-ass kid had his driving privileges revoked in 2000, why didn’t THIS become a political issue? Surely Al Gore supports safe driving, right?

Two, did Howard Dean’s opposition to burglary become a political issue after his kid was arrested by the cops for breaking into a private golf club’s liquor cabinet?

Three, after Hillary’s two idiot brothers Hugh & Tony were caught pushing through dubious pardon deals in the last days of the Clinton administration, why wasn’t Hillary’s family-oriented cronyism a political issue? Hell, Sarah Palin’s daughter is the subject of three – THREE! – front page stories on the cover of today’s New York Times! Funny… I don’t recall the Times splashing stories about Hillary’s corrupt brothers on the front page when SHE was running for President.

Four, if I can point to specific examples where kids DID get pregnant in schools that DO teach about birth control, would that necessarily invalidate the school’s Sex Ed policy?

OF COURSE NOT. This whole idea is just dopey. Obviously, Al Gore supports safe driving and is against drug abuse. Obviously, Howard Dean is against burglary. Obviously, specific examples of pregnant kids don’t automatically invalidate Sex Ed. And just as obviously, Bristol Palin’s pregnancy doesn’t mean that Sarah Palin is a hypocrite.

And none of us knows what really took place in the Palin household anyway. Hey, maybe Sarah taught her daughter all about birth control in the privacy of their own home – but she got horny and made a bad decision. Maybe Governor Palin told Bristol that penises are evil. Maybe Bristol’s boyfriend was planning to pull out… but was startled when his cell phone began vibrating and lost his concentration. None of us know – and none of us SHOULD know. It’s none of our business.

Using the shortcomings of schoolchildren to score political points in a Presidential campaign is just about as loathsome as you get. Fuck all of you.

-JKD

Why gun ownership deters crime

Want PROOF that gun ownership deters crime? Consider this thought experiment: Let’s pretend you’re a burglar looking to break into a home. In neighborhood number one, there’s a big sign that says “This Street Is Protected by Neighborhood Watch.” And in neighborhood number two, there’s an equally large sign that says “This Street Is Protected by the Neighborhood Gun Club. Homeowners Assume No Liability for Bullet-Riddled Burglars.”

So which street would you target for attempted burglary?

Goddamn right you would.

-JKD

Girls playing pool

Girls: Just letting you know, when you’re shooting pool in a bar, we’re looking down your blouse. I hope you’re cool with this.

-JKD

Hurricane Gustav and God

Michael Moore said that Hurricane Gustav is proof that there’s a God ‘cause the hurricane is scheduled to hit Mew Orleans during the Republican Presidential convention. And while it’s nice to know that the fatty filmmaker actually believes Republicans are so INCREDIBLY evil that the Almighty would actually KILL innocent babies and grandparents with torrential rain and flooding just to prove a political point, I have a slightly different theory: Maybe God is just mad at New Orleans. He’s pissed – and the Big Easy is currently eating Plague number two. Look, all I’m saying is if I were a first born, I wouldn’t be purchasing a 20 year mortgage in the Big Easy. Y’know what I mean? These Plagues don’t typically stop at two.

And let’s be honest: There’s LOTS to be mad at in New Orleans; anyone who’s ever gotten drunk on Bourbon Street and taken a tall hooker with an unusually large Adam’s apple back to his hotel room can attest to that. (We’ve all been there, right?) But New Orleans is scarcely unique in its decadence, trannies, and über inebriation. So why is Jesus fixated on punishing the Big Easy? What’s so unique about New Orleans that the Lord Almighty would be determined to turn it into a modern-day Atlantis? My theory is… I believe God is mad at jazz.

And can you really BLAME God? Jazz SUCKS, man – and quite frankly, all those poser white guys who’re trying to impress black guys by pretending to love jazz should be beaten to death with a Travis Tritt CD. Jazz is the stoned, rambling cousin of rock & roll – it’s the melancholy droning of unemployed elitists. See, rock & roll is all about power, rebellion, and free-flowing bodily fluids… and jazz is a bunch of old black guys and effeminate white guys stuck in a cannabis-fumed time warp. It’s weak and it sucks. If jazz was an Olympic event, it would be curling.

God hates jazz. And so do I.

-JKD

Television cop shows

How come all those cop shows on TV are always preoccupied with solving crimes? IT’S BEEN DONE ALREADY. Find something original to do, for Christ’s sake.

-JKD

Sarah Palin, Vice Presidential nominee

Sarah Palin, eh? Smart pick – and here’s why:

First, her primary asset isn’t the fact that she has a pair of tits and a uterus. It’s that she’s a Pro-Life, small government conservative. The fact that she has a pair of tits and a (well traveled – five kids) uterus is secondary.

See, the key difference between the Republican Party and the Democrat Party is that the Republican Party is bound by a specific ideology: Limited government, strong national defense, distrust of central power, and traditional values. (‘Course, the GOP often fails to implement this ideology, but it’s still the guiding force that drives the party’s base.) By contrast, the Democrats aren’t really bound by ideology – but by assorted left-leaning coalitions: Union workers, environmentalists, African Americans, feminists, social activists, etc. For the Democrats, many times these coalition members are in direct conflict with one another – for example, union workers would LOVE to drill, build and work in places that the environmentalists find abhorrent – but these groups have accepted the reality that the best way to advance their collective agendas is by supporting the Democratic Party. And more often than not, this agenda is predicated on receiving more federal funding & more federal protection.

If you notice, most Republican Presidential debates are between candidates arguing over who’s most in-line with the conservative ideology (“I’m the real conservative!” “No, I am!”) – while most Democrat Presidential debates revolve around who can best empathize with all the various groups in their coalition (“I’m the son of a mill worker!” “I’m from a town called Hope!”). It speaks volumes about the voting bases of both parties.

John McCain is NOT a conservative, which is why the far right & the talk-radio diehards have given him such a difficult time. Instead of being driven by a specific conservative ideology, McCain has his own ideology that GENERALLY falls in line with conservatives… but not always. Maybe 75% of the time. And in a coalition-type party, McCain would’ve been a slam-dunk Presidential selection, but he struggled to gain acceptance in a party where ideology is king. McCain essentially got the nod after every other major GOP candidate imploded.

By contrast, Governor Sarah Palin is a true conservative: Pro-Life, church-going, moose hunting, husband boinking, limited government, distrustful of government agencies, etc. She’ll fire-up the conservative base and motivate Farmer Wally and his 17 kids to load up the pickup truck and nail campaign signs to telephone poles on weeknights – while also motivating wealthy GOP contributors to open up their checkbook and donate to the McCain campaign. So that’s benefit number one.

Benefit number two, she adds youth, tits, and the possibility of attracting female voters (along with horny MILF hunters). She underscores McCain’s brand image of being a free-thinking maverick who is a completely separate entity from George W. Bush. And with Alaska world famous for housing vast energy reserves (as well as fugitive Dads ducking child support obligations), she can push energy-related issues to the forefront. Additionally, when the Democrats attack her, she has a ready-made retort: “The Good Old Boy network that now runs the Democrat Party clearly doesn’t believe that ANY woman is qualified to be Vice President in today’s America – but I’m here to prove them wrong.” Boom. All those middle-aged Hillary harpies will eat that shit up.

A good VP selection must do AT LEAST one of three things: Expand the Presidential nominee’s overall voting base, put a new state in play, or reinforce the Presidential nominee’s brand image. Palin accomplishes two out of the three. (And by contrast, Joe Biden accomplishes NONE of the three: He won’t attract new voters for Obama; Delaware was gonna vote for Obama anyway; and as someone who’s been a U.S. Senator for 35 frickin’ ears, he undercuts Obama’s message that Washington-is-broken-and-we-need-an-exciting-change.)

So she’s a good, strong pick by McCain. And plus, she also has those tits.

-JKD