Michael Moore said that Hurricane Gustav is proof that there’s a God ‘cause the hurricane is scheduled to hit Mew Orleans during the Republican Presidential convention. And while it’s nice to know that the fatty filmmaker actually believes Republicans are so INCREDIBLY evil that the Almighty would actually KILL innocent babies and grandparents with torrential rain and flooding just to prove a political point, I have a slightly different theory: Maybe God is just mad at New Orleans. He’s pissed – and the Big Easy is currently eating Plague number two. Look, all I’m saying is if I were a first born, I wouldn’t be purchasing a 20 year mortgage in the Big Easy. Y’know what I mean? These Plagues don’t typically stop at two.
And let’s be honest: There’s LOTS to be mad at in New Orleans; anyone who’s ever gotten drunk on Bourbon Street and taken a tall hooker with an unusually large Adam’s apple back to his hotel room can attest to that. (We’ve all been there, right?) But New Orleans is scarcely unique in its decadence, trannies, and über inebriation. So why is Jesus fixated on punishing the Big Easy? What’s so unique about New Orleans that the Lord Almighty would be determined to turn it into a modern-day Atlantis? My theory is… I believe God is mad at jazz.
And can you really BLAME God? Jazz SUCKS, man – and quite frankly, all those poser white guys who’re trying to impress black guys by pretending to love jazz should be beaten to death with a Travis Tritt CD. Jazz is the stoned, rambling cousin of rock & roll – it’s the melancholy droning of unemployed elitists. See, rock & roll is all about power, rebellion, and free-flowing bodily fluids… and jazz is a bunch of old black guys and effeminate white guys stuck in a cannabis-fumed time warp. It’s weak and it sucks. If jazz was an Olympic event, it would be curling.
God hates jazz. And so do I.
-JKD
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment