Strip club etiquette for men

Gentlemen, when frequenting those neon-clad nighttime establishments known as strip clubs, tittie bars, nudie joints, snatch factories, etc., it’s CRITICAL for you to keep in mind these 10 simple rules:

1. DO NOT be a sucker and insist on getting a lap dance from the hottest, sexiest stripper in the bar. Or only focusing on the stripper with the biggest tits. That’s a ROOKIE mistake. Instead, get a lap dance from the stripper who’s most obviously hooked on illegal drugs – ‘cause she’ll be FAR more liberal when it comes to “touching.” Trust me on this.

2. Never wear underwear into a tittie bar. And ALWAYS wear your absolutely thinnest pair of pants. It’ll make the lap dances MUCH more enjoyable.

3. DO NOT buy the stripper a drink. No matter how much she begs. Trust me, she has PLENTY of whisky, weed and crank in the locker room.

4. If you’re at one of those strip clubs that’s fully nude and doesn’t serve alcohol, make SURE you’re butt-wasted BEFORE you pay the cover charge. ‘Cause the LAST thing you want is to be sober enough to realize how fuckin’ pathetic your life has become.

5. Don’t tip the waitress or the bartender. Really, what’s the point?

6. When making small talk with the strippers, constantly hint at having a big supply of coke in your car. You’ll get LOTS of one-on-one attention this way, and might even be able to swap a bag of Sweet & Low for a hummer.

7. Going to the tittie bar should ALWAYS be the FINAL bar you visit for the night. ‘Cause if you FIRST go to the strip club and THEN go to a regular bar, it’s just too frickin’ weird. You’ll find yourself talking to “normal” girls… while internally debating with yourself whether or not to give ‘em a $1 bill to take off their tops. It just doesn’t work.

8. For God’s sake, if you’re at one of those high-end tittie bars that has a tuxedo-dressed guy in the men’s bathroom with a supply of cologne and a tip jar, DO NOT feel obligated to give him a frickin’ dime. Besides, he’s not REALLY in there to sell you a spritz of Polo anyway, man. He’s just there to make sure you’re not wacking off in the john. Tittie bars NEED their patrons to be horny and frustrated in order to be profitable, and operate under a strict “no-wacky” policy.

9. Even if you really, truly believe that the bouncer’s Mom is a crackhead whore, it’s probably best if you kept that opinion to yourself. Especially if you’ve just completed intricate dental work.

10. No matter how much the stripper laughs at your jokes or feigns an interest in your painfully boring life, ALWAYS remember: Strippers HATE all their clients and they’re NOT going to make an exception for you. In fact, they don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with you outside the strip club. EVER – irrespective of how many lap dances you buy. You’re nothing more than an ATM in her eyes. This is just a business. And listen, before you start feeling superior to that tit-shaking stripper, remember: Somewhere in that club, a girl is gonna make more money this week than YOU did. Hey, strippers might be hookers without the orgasm – but on any given night, at least one stripper is going home with four-figures in her hip pocket.

-JKD