Women: The men of earth want you to know something...

Hello, ladies. The men of planet earth have asked me to speak with you about three little problems we’re having in our inter-gender interactions:

First, STOP equating fellatio with cunnilingus. It’s NOT a parallel experience! You know why? It’s because there’s absolutely NOTHING particularly gruesome about the human penis… at least, not until the bitter end, I mean. It’s simply a skin-covered appendage. But when a man goes down on a woman, he’s essentially snacking on an open wound. OK? Have you ever really LOOKED at a vagina up close? They look like a science experiment that was microwaved too long. Therefore, we hereby demand a ten-to-one blowjob to muff-diving tradeoff.

Second, PMS is NOT supposed to last the WHOLE month. Jesus, STOP being so bitchy. So I left the toilet seat up – big fucking deal, stop yelling at me. Maybe – just MAYBE – when you lower your panties and stick your naked ass backwards, you should first LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GODDAM GOING. Even drugged-out hookers look first; that’s just common sense.

And thirdly, for Christ’s sake, you’ve been having your periods since you were in frickin’ middle school. Learn how to deal with it already! ‘Cause if we men have gained enough self control not to beat the shit out of you when our football team fails to cover, I don’t wanna see you women rave like a lunatic when your stupid hormones are slightly stirred.

Thank you.

-JKD