Life lessons

Via trial & error, observing others, self-introspection, and a horribly underdeveloped sense of morality, here are 20 things I’ve learned in life:

1. Most of the time, the guy wearing the “Fuck You!” hat and “Who Farted?” t-shirt doesn’t have keys to a Ferrari in his pocket.

2. Never marry a woman who can’t appreciate the severity of a good hangover.

3. If someone feels the need to tell you that he’s a winner, chances are he’s a loser.

4. There’d be significantly fewer alcoholics in America if more drugs were legalized. Because let’s face it: A lot of people get drunk – not because alcohol is particularly tasty – but because sobriety SUCKS. And alcohol is the only legal over-the-counter high we’re allowed to have. By criminalizing all the other recreational drugs – including marijuana – the government is directly increasing the number of alcoholics in society… as well as all the crimes, injuries & fatalities attributed to alcohol.

5. Women: In every large office environment, there’s always at least one ultra-hot babe who everyone wants to fuck & nobody takes seriously, one babe with unpredictable emotional problems who freaks everyone out, one babe who thinks she’s infinitely smarter and prettier than she actually is, and one go-by-the-books cunt who nobody likes. So, if you’re in a large office and don’t know who the cunt is, chances are it’s you.

6. Grave robbing is illegal in the United States, which means that the same country that stole land from living Indians prohibits property theft from dead Americans.

7. R&B is soft rock for black people.

8. If I lived in Biblical times and was arguing baby-ownership before King Solomon, and he threatened to cut the baby in half, I don’t think I’d mind, as long as I got to keep the top-half.

9. Isn’t it interesting how all the major fast food restaurants always seem to have a political tie-in? McDonald’s is a democracy (Mayor McCheese), Kentucky Fried Chicken is clearly a dictatorship (the Colonial) and Burger King is obviously a monarchy. I’m not sure how Wendy’s fits into this political paradigm, but quite frankly, I don’t really care. I hate those lousy square hamburgers. If you’re gonna make the hamburgers square, why would you still make the buns round? It doesn’t make any sense, man. What were we talking about again?

10. Here’s a little-known scientific fact: If you fart while alone inside an elevator, the probability jumps ten-fold that someone of the opposite sex will get inside your elevator before you can vacate the premises.

11. I’m not one of those bleeding heart liberals who continually gripe about schoolteachers being underpaid. Good! I’m GLAD they’re underpaid! Hey – I’ve already received MY education – and I’m barely making enough to cover my mortgage & afford brand name bourbon. And now you people want me to pony-up even more cash – and fund the job-training of my future competition? Are you out of your frigging minds?! I’m looking out for Number One.

12. The great thing about wearing dark sunglasses is that you can blatantly stare at a woman’s tits without getting punched in the face by her husband.

13. Product Idea #37: Removable windshield wipers… so you can park illegally and the cops won’t have any place to stick your ticket.

14. Here’s the difference between being “cute” and “over-the-line.” Cute is seeing a MILF with a baby in a grocery store’s produce section and saying, “Wow! I didn’t know you could buy a baby here!” Over-the-line is lurching towards the baby with your arms extended and shrieking to the mother: “Let’s squeeze his head to see if he’s fresh!” I learned this one the hard way. I also learned that Food Lion has its own security guards.

15. You know what I want written on my tombstone? “Attention future people of earth! I have hidden thousands of pounds of gold and diamonds in a secret location! Whoever brings me back to life will get half! And whoever brings me back to life with a new & improved body will get all! Thanks in advance for your help.” I figure it’s worth a shot.

16. Most of the people who think drugs should be illegal are people who don’t enjoy using illegal drugs. Additionally, most of the people who bad-mouth alcohol are pussies who can’t handle alcohol.

17. The Bible preaches to us “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” but if you stop and think about it, this really is a horribly flawed formula for dispensing justice. ‘Cause what would happen if a toothless guy knocks out his neighbor’s teeth? Or if a blind guy started running around, poking out eyeballs at the playground? How would THOSE people be punished? There’s another problem with the “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” formula as well: Not all teeth and eyes are equal. For example, if someone with bad eyesight knocked out the eye of someone with 20/20 vision, would it really be equitable for the guy with bad eyesight to just lose an eye? Or if a model with beautiful white teeth got punched in the face by a dumpy girl with green, cavity-filled teeth – would it be fair to treat the two teeth as equal? Do you see what I’m getting at?

18. If you ever see a beautiful, gorgeous woman over the age of 30 driving a lousy car, chances are she has an amazingly shitty personality.

19. Have you ever noticed that the women are exponentially better looking in the grocery stores located in the rich part of town? And not only are they better looking, but cigarette rolling paper isn’t usually sold with the other tobacco products.

20. Of all the women in the world, religious babes & leftwing social activists have the hairiest beavers.

-JKD