Political solutions

One of the things I really don’t like about Barack Obama is that he keeps on belching about his intrepid, can’t-miss “political solutions.” And he’s not alone, of course; every candidate promises the voters handy-dandy political solutions (albeit typically not with Obama’s delusional grandiosity and misplaced self-assuredness). It’s so disingenuous – and it’s a telltale sign of a bullshit artist.

Look, folks: There are no political solutions. None. They don’t exist. They’re 100% fictional entities, like werewolves, the Land of Oz, and big-dicked Asians. Repeat: There are no political solutions. All we have are a series of competing theories for attempting to manage life’s unsolvable problems.

Hearing repackaged theories on why this or that “political solution” will transform America and finally “solve” some longstanding societal problem might SOUND attractive. Particularly to the weak-minded or the government-educated drones in the audience. But it’s pure bullshit, man - and SHAME ON YOU for even momentarily buying this fecal-dripping nonsense.

There is NO easy way out, boys and girls. And there are NO political solutions.

Think about it this way: Was George Washington fuckin’ stupid? Was Thomas Jefferson a raging moron? Did Abraham Lincoln eat paint chips as a child? Was FDR in a wheelchair ‘cause he fell out a hotel window and landed on his head? Of course not. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and FDR were all political GENIUSES and exemplary leaders. So were Madison, Hamilton, Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt and Reagan. Granted, our politicians might be duplicitous and self-serving, but you can bet your white, pimply ass that the pool of intellectual talent passing through the Capitol Hill corridors was and is off-the-charts brilliant. Ok? All the easy work has been DONE already. All the obvious political answers were figured out CENTURIES ago. And today, what we’re left with are the unsolvable hardships that NO civilization has EVER satisfactorily addressed – i.e. conflicts pertaining to freedom, security, safety, justice, wealth, and equality.

C’mon, folks. Stop bullshitting yourselves. What, you think either Barack Obama or John McCain somehow stumbled over the political Holy Grail – and discovered the magic bullet for all of mankind’s eons-old problems? That one of THOSE TWO is a rarified genius who’ll succeed where every other world leader in ALL of human history has failed? Well, they’re already IN the Senate. Guess they never got around to proposing those solutions while on the job, eh? Must be an oversight.

Shame on YOU for being so embarrassingly gullible – and shame on the candidates for treating us like frickin’ simpletons.

There are no political solutions.

Here’s how you should look at this Presidential election: John McCain and Barack Obama are both applying for an executive job – and the requirements of this job are to oversee the federal government, advance America’s interests on the world stage, and pursue policies that will minimize life’s eternal hardships… without wasting too much money in the process. Nothing more, nothing less. And ANYTHING a politician promises beyond those basic job requirements is utter bullshit.

John McCain: “My friends, I have a plan to solve these problems!” Barack Obama: “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!” John, you’re NOT my friend – and your plan won’t fix jackshit. And Barack, if we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for… then I guess we’re already there, aren’t we? And y’know what? Still no solution to those problems, oh Messiah.

Here’s an ironclad Rule of Life that you nimrods should tattoo to your brain: Any politician who’s promising you “political solutions” is selling you something that doesn’t work. Ignore it and move on.

-JKD