KNUCKLEFISH: Right off the bat, I wanted to thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Mohammed. My opening question is, what’s the proper spelling of your name? Is it “Mohammed,” “Muhammad,” “Muhammed,” or what? I’ve seen it spelled countless different ways.
MOHAMMED: First of all, this interview is my pleasure. I’m a big fan of your blog, Mr. Knucklefish, and I’m just glad to be a part of it. As for my name… spell it any which way ya like. Doesn’t bother my ass. Hell, call me Moe if ya want. See, “Mohammed” ain’t an English name – it’s an Arabic name – so whatever phonetic spelling works for you is cool with me. Although… can I offer an observation over the phonetic English spellings of some other religious words?
KNUCKLEFISH: Of course.
MOHAMMED: There are lots of names in the Judeo-Christian culture that begin with the letter “J” – Jesus, Jonah, Job, Judas, Judah, John, Jerusalem, Joseph, Jacob, Joshua, and so forth. The problem is, in Hebrew, the letter “J” doesn’t frickin’ exist. And the sound doesn’t exist either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation of Jerusalem is “Yirusalem.” I don’t know why you English-speaking dolts insist on using the “J” sound so frickin’ much. You call the followers of Moses the Jews, the Jews speak Hebrew, and the “J” sound doesn’t even exist in Hebrew. It’s strange, man. But I guess that’s par for the course; Germans call their country Deutschland, yet you insist on calling it Germany. Enough with the “J” sounds already. Sheesh.
KNUCKLEFISH: What are your opinions regarding the other great religions of the world? Let’s begin with Buddhism…
MOHAMMED: Buddhism is sort of wacky. It preaches moderation in extreme terms, which seems inherently contradictory, doesn’t it? And Buddha’s thoughts on moderation apparently didn’t extend to the buffet table. Have you SEEN the statues of Buddha in those Chinese restaurants? The dude must weigh 400 fuckin’ pounds! Say what you want about me, Jesus, and Moses, but at least we’re height and weight proportionate. A good rule of thumb is, don’t trust any deity whose weakness is Häagen-Dazs.
KNUCKLEFISH: Interesting. How about Hinduism?
MOHAMMED: I just can’t take ANY religion seriously that worships COWS. Y’know what I mean? You shouldn’t be able to tip over your God when He sleeps at night. Man, the founding fathers of Hinduism didn’t put too much frickin’ effort into this, did they? “Say, Rajib, what do you suppose God looks like?” “I dunno. He probably has 15 arms. Either that, or our God is a cow. Oh, look: Our new God is shitting in the field. It’s a miracle!” “Yeah, I think you got a little of that ‘miracle’ on your shoe, Oh Wise One.” My personal theory is that Hindu’s founding fathers were all lactose intolerant.
KNUCKLEFISH: You briefly mentioned Jesus and Moses a little bit earlier, the two gentlemen who are primarily affiliated with the other two major monotheistic religions of the world, Judaism and Christianity. Do you feel any kinship with those individuals – and the faiths they represent?
MOHAMMED: Yeah, you bet. Jesus and Moses are swell guys – I like ‘em a lot. And the three religions are all derived from the same source: An unshakable faith in a single Heavenly Father who loves us, punishes us, and demands we say prayers before we can eat. Additionally, all three religions also have specific buildings – temples, churches, and mosques – where people go to pray, donate money, and brainwash children. So there’s a lot of symmetry, you see.
KNUCKLEFISH: Right now in the Middle East, there’s a great deal of hostility between the Jews and the Muslims.
MOHAMMED: That’s a terrible, terrible thing. Do you know how all this started? Three or four thousand years ago, Abraham booted his first-born son Ishmael from his tent, after Abe’s wife Sara gave birth to Isaac. Ishmael became the father of the Arabs, and Isaac’s descendants are the Jews. So basically, if Abraham had access to affordable childcare, this entire conflict could’ve been avoided. It’s sort of sad, seeing the Jews and Muslims fighting to the death over who controls some sandy, sweltering real estate in the middle of the fuckin’ desert. Meanwhile, the Christians own Tahiti, Hawaii, Fiji and the Bahamas. Think about it: We’re bashing each other in the frickin’ head over Dorito dust while Charlie Christian is dining on filet mignon. The Jews and Arabs are like two drunk guys at closing time, fighting over who gets to bang the fat chick at the end of the bar.
KNUCKLEFISH: Who’s right and who’s wrong in the Arab / Israeli dispute?
MOHAMMED: Eh, I don’t even wanna think about that mess. With all the resources both sides are wasting on military spending, they could’ve fed a whole lot of poor people. Anyway, Jews and Arabs have more in common than they’d like to admit: They both live in the desert, they can’t eat pork, their women are bossy, their kids are emotionally fucked, and their high holy days include fasting. Y’know, the Jews and the Muslims really should join forces and conquer those rich-ass Christians. Shit, those Christians own all the good tropical islands, gorge their fat faces on barbecued pork ribs, and spend their major holiday gulping alcoholic eggnog. Isn’t that a more natural enemy for us?
KNUCKLEFISH: Is Islam truly a religion of peace?
MOHAMMED: It can be, but it depends on your interpretation. I wasn’t a particularly peaceful man myself, being that I led an armed invasion and the violent overthrow of a leader. Of course, George Washington had a pretty violent existence, too. But violence isn’t necessarily bad either; it all depends on the reason behind it. There’s good violence and bad violence.
KNUCKLEFISH: Speaking of violence, how can you defend Islam in light of the repugnant terrorist attacks and homicide bombings?
MOHAMMED: I defend the religion, not the people. And to be fair, your Christian wackaloons have used the teachings of Jesus to defend some horrible, awful things – like bombing abortion clinics, launching global wars, and the institution of slavery. I’ve noticed that some of Islam’s harshest critics in the United States are rabid right-wingers – guys like Pat Robertson. Interestingly, Pat also supports gun rights, arguing that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, Islam doesn’t kill people either. In the case of these mindless terrorists, it’s a perverted value system that kills people. Quite frankly, I’m personally embarrassed by these assholes, ‘cause they’re killing civilians in MY name. And a good number of ‘em are named Mohammed to boot! It’s a double-whammy: “Why did you bomb me?” “Because of Mohammed.” “Ok. What’s your name?” “Mohammed.” They’re giving me a real shitty image in the world community, and I’m frickin’ tired of it. People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Osama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to that fucktard Osama, the perception of Islam has been set back at LEAST a hundred years.
KNUCKLEFISH: Do 72 vestal virgins really await these terrorists?
MOHAMMED: Yeah, but all the virgins are black guys. Really, REALLY well-endowed black guys. Guys who pitch and don’t catch, if ya follow what I’m saying. Plus, none of their chairs have any cushioning. It’s NOT a good deal.
KNUCKLEFISH: In conclusion, do you have any regrets?
MOHAMMED: Yeah… I regret making alcohol a sin. Sometimes folks just need a release. And after a long, arduous day atop a camel in the sweltering desert, popping open a nice cold beer really does help a man unwind. Ya know what I mean? That, and I regret never having a skateboard. Those things look like FUN, man! I guess all the sand would’ve jammed up the wheels, though. But just once, I would’ve liked to skateboard down the sidewalk. ‘Course, if ever rode a skateboard, some of my dopey fundamentalist followers would probably bomb bicycle and rolling skate stores for being “blasphemous.” Frickin’ idiots. Man, I really hate those guys.
-JKD
MOHAMMED: First of all, this interview is my pleasure. I’m a big fan of your blog, Mr. Knucklefish, and I’m just glad to be a part of it. As for my name… spell it any which way ya like. Doesn’t bother my ass. Hell, call me Moe if ya want. See, “Mohammed” ain’t an English name – it’s an Arabic name – so whatever phonetic spelling works for you is cool with me. Although… can I offer an observation over the phonetic English spellings of some other religious words?
KNUCKLEFISH: Of course.
MOHAMMED: There are lots of names in the Judeo-Christian culture that begin with the letter “J” – Jesus, Jonah, Job, Judas, Judah, John, Jerusalem, Joseph, Jacob, Joshua, and so forth. The problem is, in Hebrew, the letter “J” doesn’t frickin’ exist. And the sound doesn’t exist either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation of Jerusalem is “Yirusalem.” I don’t know why you English-speaking dolts insist on using the “J” sound so frickin’ much. You call the followers of Moses the Jews, the Jews speak Hebrew, and the “J” sound doesn’t even exist in Hebrew. It’s strange, man. But I guess that’s par for the course; Germans call their country Deutschland, yet you insist on calling it Germany. Enough with the “J” sounds already. Sheesh.
KNUCKLEFISH: What are your opinions regarding the other great religions of the world? Let’s begin with Buddhism…
MOHAMMED: Buddhism is sort of wacky. It preaches moderation in extreme terms, which seems inherently contradictory, doesn’t it? And Buddha’s thoughts on moderation apparently didn’t extend to the buffet table. Have you SEEN the statues of Buddha in those Chinese restaurants? The dude must weigh 400 fuckin’ pounds! Say what you want about me, Jesus, and Moses, but at least we’re height and weight proportionate. A good rule of thumb is, don’t trust any deity whose weakness is Häagen-Dazs.
KNUCKLEFISH: Interesting. How about Hinduism?
MOHAMMED: I just can’t take ANY religion seriously that worships COWS. Y’know what I mean? You shouldn’t be able to tip over your God when He sleeps at night. Man, the founding fathers of Hinduism didn’t put too much frickin’ effort into this, did they? “Say, Rajib, what do you suppose God looks like?” “I dunno. He probably has 15 arms. Either that, or our God is a cow. Oh, look: Our new God is shitting in the field. It’s a miracle!” “Yeah, I think you got a little of that ‘miracle’ on your shoe, Oh Wise One.” My personal theory is that Hindu’s founding fathers were all lactose intolerant.
KNUCKLEFISH: You briefly mentioned Jesus and Moses a little bit earlier, the two gentlemen who are primarily affiliated with the other two major monotheistic religions of the world, Judaism and Christianity. Do you feel any kinship with those individuals – and the faiths they represent?
MOHAMMED: Yeah, you bet. Jesus and Moses are swell guys – I like ‘em a lot. And the three religions are all derived from the same source: An unshakable faith in a single Heavenly Father who loves us, punishes us, and demands we say prayers before we can eat. Additionally, all three religions also have specific buildings – temples, churches, and mosques – where people go to pray, donate money, and brainwash children. So there’s a lot of symmetry, you see.
KNUCKLEFISH: Right now in the Middle East, there’s a great deal of hostility between the Jews and the Muslims.
MOHAMMED: That’s a terrible, terrible thing. Do you know how all this started? Three or four thousand years ago, Abraham booted his first-born son Ishmael from his tent, after Abe’s wife Sara gave birth to Isaac. Ishmael became the father of the Arabs, and Isaac’s descendants are the Jews. So basically, if Abraham had access to affordable childcare, this entire conflict could’ve been avoided. It’s sort of sad, seeing the Jews and Muslims fighting to the death over who controls some sandy, sweltering real estate in the middle of the fuckin’ desert. Meanwhile, the Christians own Tahiti, Hawaii, Fiji and the Bahamas. Think about it: We’re bashing each other in the frickin’ head over Dorito dust while Charlie Christian is dining on filet mignon. The Jews and Arabs are like two drunk guys at closing time, fighting over who gets to bang the fat chick at the end of the bar.
KNUCKLEFISH: Who’s right and who’s wrong in the Arab / Israeli dispute?
MOHAMMED: Eh, I don’t even wanna think about that mess. With all the resources both sides are wasting on military spending, they could’ve fed a whole lot of poor people. Anyway, Jews and Arabs have more in common than they’d like to admit: They both live in the desert, they can’t eat pork, their women are bossy, their kids are emotionally fucked, and their high holy days include fasting. Y’know, the Jews and the Muslims really should join forces and conquer those rich-ass Christians. Shit, those Christians own all the good tropical islands, gorge their fat faces on barbecued pork ribs, and spend their major holiday gulping alcoholic eggnog. Isn’t that a more natural enemy for us?
KNUCKLEFISH: Is Islam truly a religion of peace?
MOHAMMED: It can be, but it depends on your interpretation. I wasn’t a particularly peaceful man myself, being that I led an armed invasion and the violent overthrow of a leader. Of course, George Washington had a pretty violent existence, too. But violence isn’t necessarily bad either; it all depends on the reason behind it. There’s good violence and bad violence.
KNUCKLEFISH: Speaking of violence, how can you defend Islam in light of the repugnant terrorist attacks and homicide bombings?
MOHAMMED: I defend the religion, not the people. And to be fair, your Christian wackaloons have used the teachings of Jesus to defend some horrible, awful things – like bombing abortion clinics, launching global wars, and the institution of slavery. I’ve noticed that some of Islam’s harshest critics in the United States are rabid right-wingers – guys like Pat Robertson. Interestingly, Pat also supports gun rights, arguing that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, Islam doesn’t kill people either. In the case of these mindless terrorists, it’s a perverted value system that kills people. Quite frankly, I’m personally embarrassed by these assholes, ‘cause they’re killing civilians in MY name. And a good number of ‘em are named Mohammed to boot! It’s a double-whammy: “Why did you bomb me?” “Because of Mohammed.” “Ok. What’s your name?” “Mohammed.” They’re giving me a real shitty image in the world community, and I’m frickin’ tired of it. People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Osama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to that fucktard Osama, the perception of Islam has been set back at LEAST a hundred years.
KNUCKLEFISH: Do 72 vestal virgins really await these terrorists?
MOHAMMED: Yeah, but all the virgins are black guys. Really, REALLY well-endowed black guys. Guys who pitch and don’t catch, if ya follow what I’m saying. Plus, none of their chairs have any cushioning. It’s NOT a good deal.
KNUCKLEFISH: In conclusion, do you have any regrets?
MOHAMMED: Yeah… I regret making alcohol a sin. Sometimes folks just need a release. And after a long, arduous day atop a camel in the sweltering desert, popping open a nice cold beer really does help a man unwind. Ya know what I mean? That, and I regret never having a skateboard. Those things look like FUN, man! I guess all the sand would’ve jammed up the wheels, though. But just once, I would’ve liked to skateboard down the sidewalk. ‘Course, if ever rode a skateboard, some of my dopey fundamentalist followers would probably bomb bicycle and rolling skate stores for being “blasphemous.” Frickin’ idiots. Man, I really hate those guys.
-JKD
No comments:
Post a Comment