Talking chickens

Here’s a philosophical question I’ve been musing of late: If chickens could talk, would we be so cavalier about killing them? Maybe. It would probably depend on what they were talking about.

‘Cause I’ll be damned if I’m gonna take any shit from a mouthy fuckin’ chicken.

-JKD

Prison movies

Have you ever watched one of those prison movies where the evil, masochist warden is always threatening to throw some poor fuck into the dreaded “hole”? And everyone is like, “Oh, NOOOO!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE don’t send me to the hole! ANYTHING but that!!!” Look, I gotta be candid with you: If I were an inmate, and my options were to either stay in the general population – where I’d spend my days getting the shit kicked out of me by prison guards, and my nights getting serial-raped by murderers and psychopaths – I don’t think I’d really mind getting sent to the hole. Y’know what I mean?

In fact, I’d probably prefer it.

Hey, I’d sleep in all day, daydream during the afternoon, and play with my pecker at night, fantasizing about girls I’ll never have a chance to fuck. It would sort of be like my freshman year in college.

Never understood all the fuss about the stupid “hole”…

-JKD

Strip club etiquette for men

Gentlemen, when frequenting those neon-clad nighttime establishments known as strip clubs, tittie bars, nudie joints, snatch factories, etc., it’s CRITICAL for you to keep in mind these 10 simple rules:

1. DO NOT be a sucker and insist on getting a lap dance from the hottest, sexiest stripper in the bar. Or only focusing on the stripper with the biggest tits. That’s a ROOKIE mistake. Instead, get a lap dance from the stripper who’s most obviously hooked on illegal drugs – ‘cause she’ll be FAR more liberal when it comes to “touching.” Trust me on this.

2. Never wear underwear into a tittie bar. And ALWAYS wear your absolutely thinnest pair of pants. It’ll make the lap dances MUCH more enjoyable.

3. DO NOT buy the stripper a drink. No matter how much she begs. Trust me, she has PLENTY of whisky, weed and crank in the locker room.

4. If you’re at one of those strip clubs that’s fully nude and doesn’t serve alcohol, make SURE you’re butt-wasted BEFORE you pay the cover charge. ‘Cause the LAST thing you want is to be sober enough to realize how fuckin’ pathetic your life has become.

5. Don’t tip the waitress or the bartender. Really, what’s the point?

6. When making small talk with the strippers, constantly hint at having a big supply of coke in your car. You’ll get LOTS of one-on-one attention this way, and might even be able to swap a bag of Sweet & Low for a hummer.

7. Going to the tittie bar should ALWAYS be the FINAL bar you visit for the night. ‘Cause if you FIRST go to the strip club and THEN go to a regular bar, it’s just too frickin’ weird. You’ll find yourself talking to “normal” girls… while internally debating with yourself whether or not to give ‘em a $1 bill to take off their tops. It just doesn’t work.

8. For God’s sake, if you’re at one of those high-end tittie bars that has a tuxedo-dressed guy in the men’s bathroom with a supply of cologne and a tip jar, DO NOT feel obligated to give him a frickin’ dime. Besides, he’s not REALLY in there to sell you a spritz of Polo anyway, man. He’s just there to make sure you’re not wacking off in the john. Tittie bars NEED their patrons to be horny and frustrated in order to be profitable, and operate under a strict “no-wacky” policy.

9. Even if you really, truly believe that the bouncer’s Mom is a crackhead whore, it’s probably best if you kept that opinion to yourself. Especially if you’ve just completed intricate dental work.

10. No matter how much the stripper laughs at your jokes or feigns an interest in your painfully boring life, ALWAYS remember: Strippers HATE all their clients and they’re NOT going to make an exception for you. In fact, they don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with you outside the strip club. EVER – irrespective of how many lap dances you buy. You’re nothing more than an ATM in her eyes. This is just a business. And listen, before you start feeling superior to that tit-shaking stripper, remember: Somewhere in that club, a girl is gonna make more money this week than YOU did. Hey, strippers might be hookers without the orgasm – but on any given night, at least one stripper is going home with four-figures in her hip pocket.

-JKD

Drunk driving

When it comes to the Drunk Driving epidemic that’s absolutely wreaking HAVOC on our nation, some people blame the individual drunk driver for getting behind the wheel & putting us all at risk. Others blame the bartenders for getting their patrons drunk and turning a blind eye to the carnage. And some even blame society itself for its cultural acceptance of dangerous, inebriating agents.

Personally, I blame the other cars, for looking all blurry. And the highways, for spinning around and making me all nauseous.

Come on, science: let’s have a solution already.

-JKD

Women: The men of earth want you to know something...

Hello, ladies. The men of planet earth have asked me to speak with you about three little problems we’re having in our inter-gender interactions:

First, STOP equating fellatio with cunnilingus. It’s NOT a parallel experience! You know why? It’s because there’s absolutely NOTHING particularly gruesome about the human penis… at least, not until the bitter end, I mean. It’s simply a skin-covered appendage. But when a man goes down on a woman, he’s essentially snacking on an open wound. OK? Have you ever really LOOKED at a vagina up close? They look like a science experiment that was microwaved too long. Therefore, we hereby demand a ten-to-one blowjob to muff-diving tradeoff.

Second, PMS is NOT supposed to last the WHOLE month. Jesus, STOP being so bitchy. So I left the toilet seat up – big fucking deal, stop yelling at me. Maybe – just MAYBE – when you lower your panties and stick your naked ass backwards, you should first LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GODDAM GOING. Even drugged-out hookers look first; that’s just common sense.

And thirdly, for Christ’s sake, you’ve been having your periods since you were in frickin’ middle school. Learn how to deal with it already! ‘Cause if we men have gained enough self control not to beat the shit out of you when our football team fails to cover, I don’t wanna see you women rave like a lunatic when your stupid hormones are slightly stirred.

Thank you.

-JKD

Mexican anal sex

Of ALL the countries in the world, I’ll bet that Mexico has the lowest level of anal sex amongst married couples. Why? Simple logic, my friend: Most Mexicans are Catholic, and the Catholic Church strictly prohibits ANY sexual activity that cannot lead to conception – which obviously includes anal sex. Second of all, sexual activity in a windy, sandy climate like Mexico is never a good idea, particularly when it involves orifices that aren’t naturally lubricated. And finally… would YOU want to fuck someone up the ass who habitually eats large quantities of refried beans, jalapenos, and onions? Fuck no!

Jesus Christ, anal sex with a Mexican must be like going spelunking in a septic tank.

-JKD

The Second Coming of Christ

A lot of Christians think the Second Coming – which is, of course, the return of Jesus Christ to earth – is juuuust around the corner. Well… what makes you think Jesus is coming back? Because he PROMISED he would? Yeah, but that was before a bunch of locals nailed him to a big fuckin’ stick. That’s not very hospitable. Shit, I won’t even return to a restaurant if they overcook my hamburger – so trust me, I certainly wouldn’t return to a planet if they drove nails through my hands and propped me up on a big wooden stake.

Those are the sort of things that MIGHT cause me to seriously reevaluate my travel plans. Y’know what I mean?

-JKD

“The early bird gets the worm”

“The early bird gets the worm.” So? The LATE bird gets a worm, too. There’s not a limited supply of worms in the world. Have you EVER heard of a worm-shortage? I haven’t. Have you? Besides, even though the early bird might get a worm, the early MOUSE gets its neck snapped in half by the mousetrap. And the second, lazier mouse walks away with the cheese.

So turn off your alarm clock and sleep in tomorrow.

-JKD

Drunk driving and drunk dating

Have you ever driven your car COMPLETELY drunk, swerved over to one of those blue drop-off mailboxes, and tried to order yourself a Big Mac and fries? Yeah… that doesn’t impress your date too much, does it? That’s usually when she jumps out of the car and threatens to shoot you with her mace.

Hey, it’s an honest mistake, ladies. Lighten up.

-JKD

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson

In today’s Dallas Morning News: Apparently, after beating the Browns in Cleveland, getting 13 stitches stapled to his chin, and flying back to Dallas at 11:00 pm, Tony Romo noticed a middle-aged couple stranded by the road with a flat tire. Without volunteering who he was, Romo pulled over and helped the couple repair the tire and finish their road trip. And to his credit, Romo didn’t promote his good deed to the media; the couple themselves contacted the local newspaper to share their story.

I’m thinking, maybe Jessica Simpson was on the rag, and Tony Romo just wasn’t in a rush to get back home. Y’know what I mean? “Honey, how was your day?” “Did you miss me?” “Ooh, what happened to your chin?” “That’s gross!” “OK, let me tell you about MY day…” Blah, bah, blah. Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, frickin’ BLAH!!!

That’s my theory.

-JKD

Prostitution loopholes

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Sarah Palin versus Bill Clinton

Executive Experience?

When then-Governor Bill Clinton was elected President in 1992, his state budget was $2 billion. Palin's budget is over $12 billion. And only one other state in the union provides its Governors with more concentrated executive power – including a line-item veto over the state budget that can only be overridden by a three-quarters majority of the Legislature – than Alaska (Massachusetts ranks first).

Source: Wall Street Journal

-JKD

Taco Bell miracle

Once, I was driving my car and was stuck in traffic. It was about lunchtime and my stomach started to growl. I cried, “Please, Jesus, provide me with something to eat! Please, Jesus, do not forsake me!”

And miraculously, a taco slid from under my car seat! It must’ve fallen out of my Taco Bell bag a week-or-so ago! Yet I was so happy that Jesus Christ answered my prayers that I ate the taco in under a minute. “Praise Jesus!” I joyfully declared. It was a miracle!

Alas, an hour later, Satan gave me food poisoning and I shit my pants. I must not have prayed hard enough that day.

-JKD

American Wealth...

If you confiscated ALL the wealth in the United States and gave everyone the exact same amount, after about twenty years, most of the same people who are rich now will be rich then, and most of the same people who are poor now will be poor then. You wanna know why? It’s because – other than in rare situations – people become rich or poor on the basis of the decisions they make. The people who make decisions that typically lead to wealth will continue to do so; so will the people whose decisions typically lead to poverty. Poverty and wealth are the byproducts of personal decisions.

And life isn’t that much more complicated than this, folks.

-JKD

Fun Facts about Sarah Palin as Commander of the Alaska National Guard

Fun Facts about Sarah Palin as Commander of the Alaska National Guard:

• As governor, Palin oversees military units whose duties include serving overseas, search-and-rescue missions across the state's vast landscape and manning key elements of the U.S. missile defense system at Ft. Greely.

• The Alaska National Guard is unusual in that its jobs include manning part of the U.S. missile defense system. The 49th Missile Defense Battalion works on interceptor missiles designed to shoot down intercontinental missiles.

• Members of the Alaska National Guard also were deployed to Iraq, and Palin visited their unit in July 2007.

• The Alaska Air National Guard, with 1,946 service members, is involved in an exceptional number of search-and-rescue missions. Since Palin became governor in December 2006, the Air Guard has flown 521 missions, saving 200 lives and assisting with the rescue of 77 more people, said Kalei Brooks, a spokeswoman for the Alaska Department of Military and Veterans Affairs. That's the most in the nation over that time period.

• During one declared disaster - widespread flooding in June and July this year - Palin quickly signed a disaster declaration. The Guard saved civilians by providing water tanks and 30,000 sandbags to local authorities.

What's Obama or Biden's military experience, again?

-JKD

Indian names in sports

Lots of Native American groups throw shit-fits over high school, college and professional sports teams using Indians as mascots: “Ugh, Big Chief Hiawatha no likem using Redskins for name of football team. Me no likem use Tomahawk-chop for Atlanta Braves. Me walkem many moons to complain. Drinkem much fire-water. Ugh.”

Well, why do these Indians only complain about athletic teams and sport mascots? I’ve NEVER heard an Indian activist complain about the Jeep Cherokee. Or better yet, I’ve never heard an Indian utter a peep about an American LANDMASS being named after an Indian tribe. Think about it: A hostile government takes over the Indians’ land, denies the Indians basic human rights, ships ‘em off to disease-riddled reservations in the middle of nowhere – and then names the land the white man’s government now controls after the same Indians they’ve just displaced! Sioux City, Tallahassee, Manhattan… even the state INDIANA to me seems MUCH more offensive than using an Indian name in conjunction with a sports team. So why are Native Americans so preoccupied with changing the name of the Cleveland Indians, yet apparently don’t give a fuck about changing the name of the Indianapolis 500?

Why are sports bad… but gas-guzzling cars, redneck car races and white-dominated landmasses OK?

-JKD

MILF Hunters for Palin

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"Welcome back, folks!"

You know what really pisses me off? Watching a TV talk-show… and after about 12 minutes of meandering yakking & product placements, the program goes to a commercial break. Then, after two minutes of dopey advertisements, the TV host says, “Welcome back!” Hey, asshole: I didn’t leave! I was here the whole fuckin’ time! I was watching your stupid commercials! YOU left – not ME. Who’s kidding who here?

-JKD

Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, and pregnant teenagers

So Sarah Palin has a 17-year-old daughter named Bristol who’s pregnant and engaged to be married. My question is… WHY is this even considered a political scandal?! Hell, in today’s society, this barely qualifies for high school lunchtime gossip anymore. To me, the most shocking aspect is the fact that a 17-year-old is currently ENGAGED. Now THAT’S something you don’t see everyday in 2008 America (at least, not outside West Virginia).

And to those dipshit liberals who’re trying to argue that this SHOULD be a political issue ‘cause Palin advocates abstinence-only education, let me ask a few quick questions:

One, why wasn’t Al Gore’s opposition to recreational drug use a political issue after his son was busted for driving drunk with 100+ Vicodin pills in a baggie? Or when his fat-ass kid had his driving privileges revoked in 2000, why didn’t THIS become a political issue? Surely Al Gore supports safe driving, right?

Two, did Howard Dean’s opposition to burglary become a political issue after his kid was arrested by the cops for breaking into a private golf club’s liquor cabinet?

Three, after Hillary’s two idiot brothers Hugh & Tony were caught pushing through dubious pardon deals in the last days of the Clinton administration, why wasn’t Hillary’s family-oriented cronyism a political issue? Hell, Sarah Palin’s daughter is the subject of three – THREE! – front page stories on the cover of today’s New York Times! Funny… I don’t recall the Times splashing stories about Hillary’s corrupt brothers on the front page when SHE was running for President.

Four, if I can point to specific examples where kids DID get pregnant in schools that DO teach about birth control, would that necessarily invalidate the school’s Sex Ed policy?

OF COURSE NOT. This whole idea is just dopey. Obviously, Al Gore supports safe driving and is against drug abuse. Obviously, Howard Dean is against burglary. Obviously, specific examples of pregnant kids don’t automatically invalidate Sex Ed. And just as obviously, Bristol Palin’s pregnancy doesn’t mean that Sarah Palin is a hypocrite.

And none of us knows what really took place in the Palin household anyway. Hey, maybe Sarah taught her daughter all about birth control in the privacy of their own home – but she got horny and made a bad decision. Maybe Governor Palin told Bristol that penises are evil. Maybe Bristol’s boyfriend was planning to pull out… but was startled when his cell phone began vibrating and lost his concentration. None of us know – and none of us SHOULD know. It’s none of our business.

Using the shortcomings of schoolchildren to score political points in a Presidential campaign is just about as loathsome as you get. Fuck all of you.

-JKD

Why gun ownership deters crime

Want PROOF that gun ownership deters crime? Consider this thought experiment: Let’s pretend you’re a burglar looking to break into a home. In neighborhood number one, there’s a big sign that says “This Street Is Protected by Neighborhood Watch.” And in neighborhood number two, there’s an equally large sign that says “This Street Is Protected by the Neighborhood Gun Club. Homeowners Assume No Liability for Bullet-Riddled Burglars.”

So which street would you target for attempted burglary?

Goddamn right you would.

-JKD

Girls playing pool

Girls: Just letting you know, when you’re shooting pool in a bar, we’re looking down your blouse. I hope you’re cool with this.

-JKD

Hurricane Gustav and God

Michael Moore said that Hurricane Gustav is proof that there’s a God ‘cause the hurricane is scheduled to hit Mew Orleans during the Republican Presidential convention. And while it’s nice to know that the fatty filmmaker actually believes Republicans are so INCREDIBLY evil that the Almighty would actually KILL innocent babies and grandparents with torrential rain and flooding just to prove a political point, I have a slightly different theory: Maybe God is just mad at New Orleans. He’s pissed – and the Big Easy is currently eating Plague number two. Look, all I’m saying is if I were a first born, I wouldn’t be purchasing a 20 year mortgage in the Big Easy. Y’know what I mean? These Plagues don’t typically stop at two.

And let’s be honest: There’s LOTS to be mad at in New Orleans; anyone who’s ever gotten drunk on Bourbon Street and taken a tall hooker with an unusually large Adam’s apple back to his hotel room can attest to that. (We’ve all been there, right?) But New Orleans is scarcely unique in its decadence, trannies, and über inebriation. So why is Jesus fixated on punishing the Big Easy? What’s so unique about New Orleans that the Lord Almighty would be determined to turn it into a modern-day Atlantis? My theory is… I believe God is mad at jazz.

And can you really BLAME God? Jazz SUCKS, man – and quite frankly, all those poser white guys who’re trying to impress black guys by pretending to love jazz should be beaten to death with a Travis Tritt CD. Jazz is the stoned, rambling cousin of rock & roll – it’s the melancholy droning of unemployed elitists. See, rock & roll is all about power, rebellion, and free-flowing bodily fluids… and jazz is a bunch of old black guys and effeminate white guys stuck in a cannabis-fumed time warp. It’s weak and it sucks. If jazz was an Olympic event, it would be curling.

God hates jazz. And so do I.

-JKD