Random musings

Here are some of the things I think about when I’m sitting on the toilet with nothing to read (other than the back of the shampoo bottle):

Rule of Life #27: If the bar restroom has a clean mirror and a fresh urinal cake, you’re paying too much for your drinks.

NEVER smoke pot or drop acid while watching one of those reality TV shows. You’ll inevitably become paranoid – and start searching your house for hidden cameras and microphones.

Y’know, slavery gets a lot of negative press lately… but if you stop and think about it, it’s actually a highly efficient way to get people to work for you without paying them any money.

Saint Valentine was a Catholic Priest who died as a martyr. A priest! Isn’t that interesting? Our annual Holiday of Love is named after someone who was celibate.

Can ANYONE explain to me why federal regulations require commercial airplane pilots to walk through the airport security metal detectors? An airplane pilot doesn’t need a bomb to destroy an airplane and kill hundreds of people… all he needs is the GROUND.

Few things in life are sexier than a woman with multiple body piercings – particularly when the pierced body parts include her tongue, nipples, and clitoris. Any woman who’s willing to painfully mutilate her body in the hopes of marginally enhancing sexual stimulation is my kind of babe.

According to Greek mythology, Medusa was such a hideous woman that simply gazing into her eyes would transform a mere mortal into a pillar of stone. So… if I ever got real, real drunk & horny in Ancient Greece and somehow stumbled near her home, I think I would insist on doing it doggie style.

Whenever I see a giraffe, I always think about oral sex. I guess it’s the long neck.

There are always more wig shops in the poor parts of town.

-JKD

Would the Last Honest Reporter Please Turn On the Lights?

A terrific editorial about Modern Day journalism in the United States:

-JKD


Would the Last Honest Reporter Please Turn On the Lights? By Orson Scott Card

Editor's note: Orson Scott Card is a Democrat and a newspaper columnist, and in this opinion piece he takes on both while lamenting the current state of journalism.

An open letter to the local daily paper — almost every local daily paper in America:

I remember reading All the President's Men and thinking: That's journalism. You do what it takes to get the truth and you lay it before the public, because the public has a right to know.

This housing crisis didn't come out of nowhere. It was not a vague emanation of the evil Bush administration.

It was a direct result of the political decision, back in the late 1990s, to loosen the rules of lending so that home loans would be more accessible to poor people. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were authorized to approve risky loans.

What is a risky loan? It's a loan that the recipient is likely not to be able to repay.

The goal of this rule change was to help the poor — which especially would help members of minority groups. But how does it help these people to give them a loan that they can't repay? They get into a house, yes, but when they can't make the payments, they lose the house — along with their credit rating.

They end up worse off than before.

This was completely foreseeable and in fact many people did foresee it. One political party, in Congress and in the executive branch, tried repeatedly to tighten up the rules. The other party blocked every such attempt and tried to loosen them.

Furthermore, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were making political contributions to the very members of Congress who were allowing them to make irresponsible loans. (Though why quasi-federal agencies were allowed to do so baffles me. It's as if the Pentagon were allowed to contribute to the political campaigns of Congressmen who support increasing their budget.)

Isn't there a story here? Doesn't journalism require that you who produce our daily paper tell the truth about who brought us to a position where the only way to keep confidence in our economy was a $700 billion bailout? Aren't you supposed to follow the money and see which politicians were benefiting personally from the deregulation of mortgage lending?

I have no doubt that if these facts had pointed to the Republican Party or to John McCain as the guilty parties, you would be treating it as a vast scandal. "Housing-gate," no doubt. Or "Fannie-gate."

Instead, it was Senator Christopher Dodd and Congressman Barney Frank, both Democrats, who denied that there were any problems, who refused Bush administration requests to set up a regulatory agency to watch over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and who were still pushing for these agencies to go even further in promoting sub-prime mortgage loans almost up to the minute they failed.

As Thomas Sowell points out in a TownHall.com essay entitled "Do Facts Matter?" ( http://snipurl.com/457townhall_com] ): "Alan Greenspan warned them four years ago. So did the Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers to the President. So did Bush's Secretary of the Treasury."

These are facts. This financial crisis was completely preventable. The party that blocked any attempt to prevent it was ... the Democratic Party. The party that tried to prevent it was ... the Republican Party.

Yet when Nancy Pelosi accused the Bush administration and Republican deregulation of causing the crisis, you in the press did not hold her to account for her lie. Instead, you criticized Republicans who took offense at this lie and refused to vote for the bailout!
What? It's not the liar, but the victims of the lie who are to blame?

Now let's follow the money ... right to the presidential candidate who is the number-two recipient of campaign contributions from Fannie Mae.

And after Freddie Raines, the CEO of Fannie Mae who made $90 million while running it into the ground, was fired for his incompetence, one presidential candidate's campaign actually consulted him for advice on housing.

If that presidential candidate had been John McCain, you would have called it a major scandal and we would be getting stories in your paper every day about how incompetent and corrupt he was.

But instead, that candidate was Barack Obama, and so you have buried this story, and when the McCain campaign dared to call Raines an "adviser" to the Obama campaign — because that campaign had sought his advice — you actually let Obama's people get away with accusing McCain of lying, merely because Raines wasn't listed as an official adviser to the Obama campaign.

You would never tolerate such weasely nit-picking from a Republican.

If you who produce our local daily paper actually had any principles, you would be pounding this story, because the prosperity of all Americans was put at risk by the foolish, short-sighted, politically selfish, and possibly corrupt actions of leading Democrats, including Obama.

If you who produce our local daily paper had any personal honor, you would find it unbearable to let the American people believe that somehow Republicans were to blame for this crisis.

There are precedents. Even though President Bush and his administration never said that Iraq sponsored or was linked to 9/11, you could not stand the fact that Americans had that misapprehension — so you pounded us with the fact that there was no such link. (Along the way, you created the false impression that Bush had lied to them and said that there was a connection.)

If you had any principles, then surely right now, when the American people are set to blame President Bush and John McCain for a crisis they tried to prevent, and are actually shifting to approve of Barack Obama because of a crisis he helped cause, you would be laboring at least as hard to correct that false impression.

Your job, as journalists, is to tell the truth. That's what you claim you do, when you accept people's money to buy or subscribe to your paper.

But right now, you are consenting to or actively promoting a big fat lie — that the housing crisis should somehow be blamed on Bush, McCain, and the Republicans. You have trained the American people to blame everything bad — even bad weather — on Bush, and they are responding as you have taught them to.

If you had any personal honor, each reporter and editor would be insisting on telling the truth — even if it hurts the election chances of your favorite candidate.

Because that's what honorable people do. Honest people tell the truth even when they don't like the probable consequences. That's what honesty means . That's how trust is earned.

Barack Obama is just another politician, and not a very wise one. He has revealed his ignorance and naivete time after time — and you have swept it under the rug, treated it as nothing.

Meanwhile, you have participated in the borking of Sarah Palin, reporting savage attacks on her for the pregnancy of her unmarried daughter — while you ignored the story of John Edwards's own adultery for many months.

So I ask you now: Do you have any standards at all? Do you even know what honesty means?

Is getting people to vote for Barack Obama so important that you will throw away everything that journalism is supposed to stand for?

You might want to remember the way the National Organization of Women threw away their integrity by supporting Bill Clinton despite his well-known pattern of sexual exploitation of powerless women. Who listens to NOW anymore? We know they stand for nothing; they have no principles.

That's where you are right now.

It's not too late. You know that if the situation were reversed, and the truth would damage McCain and help Obama, you would be moving heaven and earth to get the true story out there.

If you want to redeem your honor, you will swallow hard and make a list of all the stories you would print if it were McCain who had been getting money from Fannie Mae, McCain whose campaign had consulted with its discredited former CEO, McCain who had voted against tightening its lending practices.

Then you will print them, even though every one of those true stories will point the finger of blame at the reckless Democratic Party, which put our nation's prosperity at risk so they could feel good about helping the poor, and lay a fair share of the blame at Obama's door.

You will also tell the truth about John McCain: that he tried, as a Senator, to do what it took to prevent this crisis. You will tell the truth about President Bush: that his administration tried more than once to get Congress to regulate lending in a responsible way.

This was a Congress-caused crisis, beginning during the Clinton administration, with Democrats leading the way into the crisis and blocking every effort to get out of it in a timely fashion.

If you at our local daily newspaper continue to let Americans believe — and vote as if — President Bush and the Republicans caused the crisis, then you are joining in that lie.

If you do not tell the truth about the Democrats — including Barack Obama — and do so with the same energy you would use if the miscreants were Republicans — then you are not journalists by any standard.

You're just the public relations machine of the Democratic Party, and it's time you were all fired and real journalists brought in, so that we can actually have a news paper in our city.

This article first appeared in The Rhinoceros Times of Greensboro, North Carolina.

President Obama

Joe Biden, speaking about how the world will react to a President Obama: “Mark my words, it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Watch. We're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he's going to need help… to stand with him. Because it's not going to be apparent initially; it's not going to be apparent that we're right.”

Uh… did Senator Biden just acknowledge that Barack Obama is viewed as such a WEAKLING by our adversaries that they’re GUARANTEED to do something – i.e. terrorist attack on American soil, nuclear proliferation, the military invasion of an American ally – that will “test” the new President?

And did Biden ALSO say that President Obama’s response to this “test” will be deeply unpopular with the American people, but we’ll need to “stand with him” anyway?

Jesus fuckin’ Christ, people. Wake up.

-JKD

Smokers versus Fat Fucks

It’s become fashionable lately to bash smokers. In fact, some government agencies and private companies flatly REFUSE to hire ANYONE who smokes. I don’t agree with this – and everything being equal, I’d MUCH rather work with a nicotine-junkie than a big Fat Fuck. Smokers tend to be risk takers and thrill seekers, full of entertaining stories about sex, booze, and run-ins with law enforcement. Fat Fucks are boring and pathetic – always whining about their appearance, the dearth of well-fitting clothes, and all their various health difficulties. Plus, they crank the fuckin’ air conditioning up until your teeth chatter & your balls freeze off.

Shit, smokers might not possess a particularly pleasing personal aroma, but at least they don’t recreate the Arctic climate in the work-zone.

-JKD

Racism, nigger and the misuse of language

Some things in life are just sad. A math major who can’t calculate the right tip to leave at Applebee’s is sad. A Native American named Custer is sad. An animal rights activist wearing leather shoes is sad. A meth addict who’ll only eat organic food is sad. In short, ignorance is sad – particularly by those who ought to know better. At the linguistic epicenter of ignorance in the field of social activism is the horrendous overuse of the word “racism.” Ethnic minorities of all educational backgrounds inappropriately hurl allegations of “racism” with stunning regularity and shocking indifference… and shame on them. Words carry specific meanings, and – if we’re going to rely upon language to convey specific thoughts and ideas – these meanings are important. The misuse of the word “racism” has greatly injured society’s ability to accurately identify ACTUAL racist behavior from other misdeeds, effectively dulling our perceptive senses and our ability to provide an effective remedy.

Take the word “nigger,” for example. The word “nigger” is not and never was a racist word. Its meaning has absolutely NOTHING to do with racism. There is not a single racist sentiment in the sentence: “Fuck you, nigger!” The word “nigger” is an epithet, not an espousal of racism. Are you confused? Let’s examine the meaning of racism:

First, a few comparisons for clarity’s sake: a racist is someone who espouses racism, just as a capitalist is someone who espouses capitalism. Let’s take the comparison further: a capitalist is someone who believes in the superiority of the capitalistic system of economics; he does not necessarily hate or dislike communists. A polygamist believes in the superiority of a matrimonial system with multiple life-partners; he does not necessarily hate or dislike monogamists. A monotheist believes in the superiority of a belief structure entailing the existence of a singular deity; he does not necessarily hate or dislike atheists. Likewise, a racist is someone who believes in the superiority of one race over another within a certain context; he does not necessarily hate or dislike the other races. Racism, hatred, and a rabid dislike of other ethnicities carry ZERO correlation… in and of themselves. They are separate, autonomous entities.

People who hate other races aren’t racists; they’re bigots. A bigot is someone who dislikes a specific person because of his or her group affiliation. And most of the people using the word “nigger” (outside of a handful of blacks who use the term as slang for “friend” – or shitty black comedians who use the word in lieu of writing a decent fuckin’ punch line) are bigots, not racists. A bigot’s hatred needs not depend upon notions of superiority. The bigotry can be linked to almost ANYTHING AT ALL.

Furthermore, a bigot doesn’t necessarily make individual assumption about someone’s personality or characteristics based upon group identity. Bigots just flat-out dislike another group – and WHY they dislike this group depends upon the bigot. Some bigots dislike Jews… not because of what Jews believe or an assumption of how they behave, but because they believe Jews are historically responsible for killing Christ. Other bigots dislike those from other geographic regions because of how they vote on Election Day. And some bigots dislike minorities because they’re insecure about their own shortcomings – or because they’re just assholes. Bigotry doesn’t necessarily have ANYTHING to do with racial assumptions.

In fact, there’s a completely separate word for the act of making assumptions about other people based upon group identity, and this word is “prejudice.” A prejudice could be good or bad, positive or negative, based upon the context and situation. Someone seeing a Latino person picking up garbage outside of an expensive house might presuppose that the individual is a hired hand rather than homeowner; such a belief is based upon a prejudice. It’s not necessarily racist, nor is the belief necessarily borne of bigotry. Hey, if you know that the neighborhood is predominantly white – and the lawn crew is predominantly Latino – then you’d simply be prejudging the situation based on race-based demographics.

What, then, is a racist belief? Well, some racist beliefs are innocuous: stating that the average white person is better at basketball than the average Asian person because whites tend to be taller than Asians – and being tall is an advantage in basketball – is racist; it’s the presumption of racial superiority within a specific context. Believing blacks can run or jump faster than whites – or have bigger dicks – is also racist. Sometimes racism can be almost humorous; feeling more comfortable in a hospital because a doctor has a Jewish last name could be defined as racist, if you believe that Judaism is a racial identity. And of course, racism can take upon far more ominous forms; believing one race is greedy, lazy, or intellectually inferior is racism of the WORST kind.

Someone using the word “nigger” is typically an indication that the speaker is a bigot who harbors race-based prejudices. A leftist’s support of race-based affirmative action policies is typically an indication that the espouser holds a prejudice regarding ethnicity and opportunity. And someone who believes that all Hispanics are lazy, inferior, and corrupt is a racist bigot with numerous prejudices.

Why bother with these distinctions? Why split these linguistic hairs? The answer is that one needs to correctly identify the problem before embarking upon a solution – and changing the mind of a racist takes a different approach than rebutting a bigoted belief or a race-based prejudice. Often times, racism can be combated intellectually – and bigotry debunked emotionally – and prejudice eliminated through experience. One size does not fit all, and these minority activists that incessantly use the word “racism” to cover all three categories are doing a disservice to the cause they presumably support. Racism, bigotry, and prejudice, carried to extremes, are responsible for numerous abominations throughout human history – but the cure for these societal ills is NOT to treat all ailments with the exact same vaccine or label. A deliberate approach – based upon the nature of the disease – makes much more sense.

Doing anything less… would be sad.

-JKD

An interview with the Prophet Mohammed

KNUCKLEFISH: Right off the bat, I wanted to thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Mohammed. My opening question is, what’s the proper spelling of your name? Is it “Mohammed,” “Muhammad,” “Muhammed,” or what? I’ve seen it spelled countless different ways.

MOHAMMED: First of all, this interview is my pleasure. I’m a big fan of your blog, Mr. Knucklefish, and I’m just glad to be a part of it. As for my name… spell it any which way ya like. Doesn’t bother my ass. Hell, call me Moe if ya want. See, “Mohammed” ain’t an English name – it’s an Arabic name – so whatever phonetic spelling works for you is cool with me. Although… can I offer an observation over the phonetic English spellings of some other religious words?

KNUCKLEFISH: Of course.

MOHAMMED: There are lots of names in the Judeo-Christian culture that begin with the letter “J” – Jesus, Jonah, Job, Judas, Judah, John, Jerusalem, Joseph, Jacob, Joshua, and so forth. The problem is, in Hebrew, the letter “J” doesn’t frickin’ exist. And the sound doesn’t exist either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation of Jerusalem is “Yirusalem.” I don’t know why you English-speaking dolts insist on using the “J” sound so frickin’ much. You call the followers of Moses the Jews, the Jews speak Hebrew, and the “J” sound doesn’t even exist in Hebrew. It’s strange, man. But I guess that’s par for the course; Germans call their country Deutschland, yet you insist on calling it Germany. Enough with the “J” sounds already. Sheesh.

KNUCKLEFISH: What are your opinions regarding the other great religions of the world? Let’s begin with Buddhism…

MOHAMMED: Buddhism is sort of wacky. It preaches moderation in extreme terms, which seems inherently contradictory, doesn’t it? And Buddha’s thoughts on moderation apparently didn’t extend to the buffet table. Have you SEEN the statues of Buddha in those Chinese restaurants? The dude must weigh 400 fuckin’ pounds! Say what you want about me, Jesus, and Moses, but at least we’re height and weight proportionate. A good rule of thumb is, don’t trust any deity whose weakness is Häagen-Dazs.

KNUCKLEFISH: Interesting. How about Hinduism?

MOHAMMED: I just can’t take ANY religion seriously that worships COWS. Y’know what I mean? You shouldn’t be able to tip over your God when He sleeps at night. Man, the founding fathers of Hinduism didn’t put too much frickin’ effort into this, did they? “Say, Rajib, what do you suppose God looks like?” “I dunno. He probably has 15 arms. Either that, or our God is a cow. Oh, look: Our new God is shitting in the field. It’s a miracle!” “Yeah, I think you got a little of that ‘miracle’ on your shoe, Oh Wise One.” My personal theory is that Hindu’s founding fathers were all lactose intolerant.

KNUCKLEFISH: You briefly mentioned Jesus and Moses a little bit earlier, the two gentlemen who are primarily affiliated with the other two major monotheistic religions of the world, Judaism and Christianity. Do you feel any kinship with those individuals – and the faiths they represent?

MOHAMMED: Yeah, you bet. Jesus and Moses are swell guys – I like ‘em a lot. And the three religions are all derived from the same source: An unshakable faith in a single Heavenly Father who loves us, punishes us, and demands we say prayers before we can eat. Additionally, all three religions also have specific buildings – temples, churches, and mosques – where people go to pray, donate money, and brainwash children. So there’s a lot of symmetry, you see.

KNUCKLEFISH: Right now in the Middle East, there’s a great deal of hostility between the Jews and the Muslims.

MOHAMMED: That’s a terrible, terrible thing. Do you know how all this started? Three or four thousand years ago, Abraham booted his first-born son Ishmael from his tent, after Abe’s wife Sara gave birth to Isaac. Ishmael became the father of the Arabs, and Isaac’s descendants are the Jews. So basically, if Abraham had access to affordable childcare, this entire conflict could’ve been avoided. It’s sort of sad, seeing the Jews and Muslims fighting to the death over who controls some sandy, sweltering real estate in the middle of the fuckin’ desert. Meanwhile, the Christians own Tahiti, Hawaii, Fiji and the Bahamas. Think about it: We’re bashing each other in the frickin’ head over Dorito dust while Charlie Christian is dining on filet mignon. The Jews and Arabs are like two drunk guys at closing time, fighting over who gets to bang the fat chick at the end of the bar.

KNUCKLEFISH: Who’s right and who’s wrong in the Arab / Israeli dispute?

MOHAMMED: Eh, I don’t even wanna think about that mess. With all the resources both sides are wasting on military spending, they could’ve fed a whole lot of poor people. Anyway, Jews and Arabs have more in common than they’d like to admit: They both live in the desert, they can’t eat pork, their women are bossy, their kids are emotionally fucked, and their high holy days include fasting. Y’know, the Jews and the Muslims really should join forces and conquer those rich-ass Christians. Shit, those Christians own all the good tropical islands, gorge their fat faces on barbecued pork ribs, and spend their major holiday gulping alcoholic eggnog. Isn’t that a more natural enemy for us?

KNUCKLEFISH: Is Islam truly a religion of peace?

MOHAMMED: It can be, but it depends on your interpretation. I wasn’t a particularly peaceful man myself, being that I led an armed invasion and the violent overthrow of a leader. Of course, George Washington had a pretty violent existence, too. But violence isn’t necessarily bad either; it all depends on the reason behind it. There’s good violence and bad violence.

KNUCKLEFISH: Speaking of violence, how can you defend Islam in light of the repugnant terrorist attacks and homicide bombings?

MOHAMMED: I defend the religion, not the people. And to be fair, your Christian wackaloons have used the teachings of Jesus to defend some horrible, awful things – like bombing abortion clinics, launching global wars, and the institution of slavery. I’ve noticed that some of Islam’s harshest critics in the United States are rabid right-wingers – guys like Pat Robertson. Interestingly, Pat also supports gun rights, arguing that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, Islam doesn’t kill people either. In the case of these mindless terrorists, it’s a perverted value system that kills people. Quite frankly, I’m personally embarrassed by these assholes, ‘cause they’re killing civilians in MY name. And a good number of ‘em are named Mohammed to boot! It’s a double-whammy: “Why did you bomb me?” “Because of Mohammed.” “Ok. What’s your name?” “Mohammed.” They’re giving me a real shitty image in the world community, and I’m frickin’ tired of it. People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Osama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to that fucktard Osama, the perception of Islam has been set back at LEAST a hundred years.

KNUCKLEFISH: Do 72 vestal virgins really await these terrorists?

MOHAMMED: Yeah, but all the virgins are black guys. Really, REALLY well-endowed black guys. Guys who pitch and don’t catch, if ya follow what I’m saying. Plus, none of their chairs have any cushioning. It’s NOT a good deal.

KNUCKLEFISH: In conclusion, do you have any regrets?

MOHAMMED: Yeah… I regret making alcohol a sin. Sometimes folks just need a release. And after a long, arduous day atop a camel in the sweltering desert, popping open a nice cold beer really does help a man unwind. Ya know what I mean? That, and I regret never having a skateboard. Those things look like FUN, man! I guess all the sand would’ve jammed up the wheels, though. But just once, I would’ve liked to skateboard down the sidewalk. ‘Course, if ever rode a skateboard, some of my dopey fundamentalist followers would probably bomb bicycle and rolling skate stores for being “blasphemous.” Frickin’ idiots. Man, I really hate those guys.

-JKD

Political solutions

One of the things I really don’t like about Barack Obama is that he keeps on belching about his intrepid, can’t-miss “political solutions.” And he’s not alone, of course; every candidate promises the voters handy-dandy political solutions (albeit typically not with Obama’s delusional grandiosity and misplaced self-assuredness). It’s so disingenuous – and it’s a telltale sign of a bullshit artist.

Look, folks: There are no political solutions. None. They don’t exist. They’re 100% fictional entities, like werewolves, the Land of Oz, and big-dicked Asians. Repeat: There are no political solutions. All we have are a series of competing theories for attempting to manage life’s unsolvable problems.

Hearing repackaged theories on why this or that “political solution” will transform America and finally “solve” some longstanding societal problem might SOUND attractive. Particularly to the weak-minded or the government-educated drones in the audience. But it’s pure bullshit, man - and SHAME ON YOU for even momentarily buying this fecal-dripping nonsense.

There is NO easy way out, boys and girls. And there are NO political solutions.

Think about it this way: Was George Washington fuckin’ stupid? Was Thomas Jefferson a raging moron? Did Abraham Lincoln eat paint chips as a child? Was FDR in a wheelchair ‘cause he fell out a hotel window and landed on his head? Of course not. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and FDR were all political GENIUSES and exemplary leaders. So were Madison, Hamilton, Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt and Reagan. Granted, our politicians might be duplicitous and self-serving, but you can bet your white, pimply ass that the pool of intellectual talent passing through the Capitol Hill corridors was and is off-the-charts brilliant. Ok? All the easy work has been DONE already. All the obvious political answers were figured out CENTURIES ago. And today, what we’re left with are the unsolvable hardships that NO civilization has EVER satisfactorily addressed – i.e. conflicts pertaining to freedom, security, safety, justice, wealth, and equality.

C’mon, folks. Stop bullshitting yourselves. What, you think either Barack Obama or John McCain somehow stumbled over the political Holy Grail – and discovered the magic bullet for all of mankind’s eons-old problems? That one of THOSE TWO is a rarified genius who’ll succeed where every other world leader in ALL of human history has failed? Well, they’re already IN the Senate. Guess they never got around to proposing those solutions while on the job, eh? Must be an oversight.

Shame on YOU for being so embarrassingly gullible – and shame on the candidates for treating us like frickin’ simpletons.

There are no political solutions.

Here’s how you should look at this Presidential election: John McCain and Barack Obama are both applying for an executive job – and the requirements of this job are to oversee the federal government, advance America’s interests on the world stage, and pursue policies that will minimize life’s eternal hardships… without wasting too much money in the process. Nothing more, nothing less. And ANYTHING a politician promises beyond those basic job requirements is utter bullshit.

John McCain: “My friends, I have a plan to solve these problems!” Barack Obama: “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!” John, you’re NOT my friend – and your plan won’t fix jackshit. And Barack, if we’re the ones we’ve been waiting for… then I guess we’re already there, aren’t we? And y’know what? Still no solution to those problems, oh Messiah.

Here’s an ironclad Rule of Life that you nimrods should tattoo to your brain: Any politician who’s promising you “political solutions” is selling you something that doesn’t work. Ignore it and move on.

-JKD

The commercial John McCain NEEDS to run

Here’s the political ad that John McCain SHOULD run. Forget about a measly 30-second ad-buy; purchase a FIVE-MINUTE BLOCK in PRIME TIME and run with this:

SETTING: John McCain, sitting alone in a room with an American flag, a few family photos, and some eye-catching awards and military medals. Maybe throw in a few Bibles and crucifixes, to appease the evangelicals.

JOHN MCCAIN: Greetings. I’m Senator John McCain, candidate for the highest office in the land – the President of the United States of America. Either myself or my opponent, Senator Barack Obama, will be responsible for leading the U.S. military to victory in no less than two global wars; managing the largest economic recovery plan in world history; preventing our nation from ever being attacked again by Islamic terrorists; ensuring that rogue nations like Iran will never gain access to nuclear weapons; rebuilding the housing market; creating new, high-paying jobs; providing accessible medical care to all Americans; smashing through the corruption and cronyism that’s run rampant in Wall Street and Washington; and once and for all, for actually implementing an energy plan that will finally produce enough oil, nuclear, coal, and alternative sources of energy for our nation to be freed of its Middle East oil dependency. It’s an incredible challenge – perhaps the greatest challenge America has faced since the unspeakable horrors of World War II. But as God is my witness, I fully believe that my life experiences have uniquely provided me with the wisdom, dedication, and legislative knowhow to meet each and every one of these challenges. I also believe that my opponent is better suited to talking about these challenges than actually overcoming them.

With all the political finger pointing going on, some straight talk is long overdue. Most of you know my life story by now: I was born to a military family, where patriotism, honor and a solemn oath to serve this nation was instilled in me at an early age. I was something of a wild child as a young man; sure, I graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy and won medals for bravery, but I was an unserious man – vain, full of bravado, and I honestly didn’t believe I had any limitations. The younger version of me probably had a lot in common with my opponent. [SMILE]

But that all changed when my plane was shot down over Vietnam. I was beaten, brutalized and horrifically tortured… but when the Vietnamese discovered that my father was a famous Admiral, they offered me early release because they felt it would be of propaganda value to our enemies, and help demoralize the American war effort. I refused to leave captivity until every last P.O.W. captured before me was also released, because that was the military code of conduct I swore to uphold. Angered, the Vietnamese spent the next five years brutalizing me daily. Some of my war wounds are permanent; you may recall that my opponent mocked me for not regularly using a personal computer. What he didn’t tell you is that my shoulders were ripped from alignment through systematic torture from jailors in that prison, rendering it very difficult for me to sit before a computer keyboard and type. I felt that my opponent’s criticism was a political cheap shot, but such is par in modern day politics, where cheap shots are camouflaged by ambiguous platitudes like “hope” and “change.”

My shoulders might be permanently damaged, but my mind emerged completely unscathed. My courage was dramatically strengthened by the indelible images of my fellow countrymen, all P.O.W.s as well, sacrificing their very life so others may live. Far too many of those brave young men never made it back home, but their vision of America never once dimmed. And my love of country grew exponentially, until it was only surpassed by my love of God. I was completely stripped of my arrogance, vanity, and that youthful belief that I was somehow superior to everyone else. As penance, I chose to dedicate myself to honoring the sacrifices of my Band of Brothers – that Legion of Heroes – and do everything in my power to help the United States of America live up to her ideals of liberty for all her children at home… and always remain a Beacon of Hope for all humanity.

My war experiences alone don’t qualify me to be President, but they do give you a glimpse of my values, faith, and the code of honor I hope to bring back to the White House. And perhaps it gives you a glimpse of my soul. What does qualify me to be President is my unique understanding of the military; my intimate knowledge of global affairs in this particularly dangerous age; my unrivaled ability to reach across party lines and pass important legislation; my willingness to sacrifice personal credit and political ambition to save America’s economy; and my unwavering commitment to find, prosecute, and jail the criminals who enriched themselves on crooked financial deals while the rest of their countrymen suffered.

On the other hand, my opponent is a marvelous talker – and that’s not a criticism, that’s a compliment. The way he talks, he could sell snow cones to an Eskimo! But I’ve learned in life that there’s a big difference between talking and doing; that there are advantages to experience and humility; and most importantly, few things are more dangerous than a man whose ego is such that he actually admits in interviews that he never second guesses himself.

Senator Obama served a total of 143 days in session for the U.S. Senate before running for President. In the primaries, he ran as a far-left liberal, criticizing Hillary Clinton of all people for being too conservative! Now, he’s claiming he’s not actually a liberal – but an experienced, battle-tested moderate. He said that the surge wouldn’t work in Iraq and wanted to cut and run when things were tough – and now he claims that “everyone” was “surprised” that we’re succeeding. He never once defied his own party on any important legislation and believes everything is always the fault of Republicans – and yet he’s running as someone who can unite both parties. He blames everyone but himself for the housing crisis – and refuses to explain why the crooks who sabotaged the housing market gave him more money than anyone else on Capitol Hill during his brief tenure in the Senate. During this terrible economy he says he’ll only raise taxes on small businesses that make $250K a year – and doesn’t seem to understand that small businesses actually need to retain money before they can employ half-a-dozen people and provide good paying jobs. He then pledges to cut the federal taxes for 95% of Americans – even though only 40% of Americans pay federal taxes in the first place. My friends, even the corrupt big-spenders who wrecked Fannie Mae couldn’t make Obama’s budget work without exploding the deficit right through the stratosphere – which is ironic, since the CEO who ruined Fannie Mae is one of his chief advisors.

The bottom line is that there’s absolutely nothing in Senator Obama’s brief history that indicates he’ll be anything but an inexperienced, far-left President who’ll raise taxes, blowout the deficit, shackle the economy, underestimate our enemies, and take his marching orders directly from the far-left leaders of the Democrat Party, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.

As for me, even my harshest critics admit that I’m my own man – a man who swears on his life to always do what’s best for his country… even when it’s against my own personal or political interests.

But he can talk better than me. And his shoulders move better than mine. But I’ll work harder for him. And I solemnly swear to you on my God-given word of honor, I’ll provide real change that produces real results – and America will emerge safer, stronger, more prosperous, and freed from this senseless corruption. We’re facing real challenges in a dangerous world that cannot simply be talked away, and I’m ready to lead – not with my mouth, but with all the powers at my disposal as President of the United States of America.

I’m John McCain, and I fully support this message.

-JKD

Camille Paglia

Great, provocative read from Camille Paglia, my third favorite feminist intellectual (right after Pamela Anderson and Patton Oswalt). Check it out.

-JKD

The United States Army

I’m not a big fan of the Army’s “An Army of One” or “Army Strong” slogans. They’re not necessary. If the Army wants to attract recruits, all they have to do is be honest: “Join the Army! Babes dig guys in uniforms AND you get to kill people who look different than you! Plus, if you ever get arrested, you can tout your ‘military service’ and receive a lighter sentence! Pussy, guns and partial legal immunity: That’s today’s United States Army.”

A little honesty goes a long way.

One last military thought: The Navy Seals and the Green Berets are the two most prestigious military units in the United States Armed Services. One is named after a blubbery, fat Arctic mammal… and the other after a faggoty French hat. Good going, fellows.

-JKD

Obama, Ayers and Wright

Some people claim that Barack Obama’s long running relationships with Reverend Wright and William Ayers are no big deal. These people are frickin’ morons. First of all, if Obama wants to be trusted with RUNNING America, then he needs to better explain why he socializes with an unrepentant terrorist who BLEW UP America – and how a professional politician – someone who NETWORKS for a fuckin’ living – could be so amazingly blind to Reverend Wright’s paranoid, anti-American diatribes in that goofy Church / Improv he kept attending? I know you Obamaphiles don’t wanna hear it, but this isn’t exactly an outrageous request. Shit, as far as Presidential requests go, it’s the frickin’ league minimum.

Look, do you think the Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation would hire one of those wack-jobs from PETA as CEO? Or Stride Rite would name as brand manager someone who sits on the same board as the chairman of NAMBLA? Or Jimmy Dean-brand sausages would turn its corporate vision over to someone who lists a Nation of Islam minister as his religious advisor? Hey, maybe they would. Maybe they ALL would. Maybe it’s all an innocent misunderstanding. But for the love of God / Allah, I’m sure they’d at least ASK: “Say, mister – before we give ya the keys to the KFC executive bathroom and share with ya the Colonial’s super-secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices, couldja please let us know why you’ve got a stack of ‘Meat Is Murder’ pamphlets in your briefcase and fake blood in your car?” It just MGHT be a pertinent question during that whole employment interview. Y’know what I mean?

Shit, I don’t expect much from the U.S. government, but can’t we have standards AT LEAST as rigorous for becoming President of the United States as we do for selling fried chicken, children’s shoes, and repulsive, mass-produced sausages?

-JKD

Used cars and pre-owned automobiles

About 20 years ago, all the used cars around the nation vanished overnight. Poof – gone! And in their place were hundreds of thousands of “pre-owned” cars. The actual CONDITION of the cars didn’t change, of course; they were still used cars. The only thing that changed were the words used to DESCRIBE the cars. I can only assume that this was a carefully-researched marketing decision – that some PR mastermind decided that Joe and Jill Six Pack would be far more inclined to blow $5K on a pre-owned Toyota Corolla than a used one. And maybe they’re right.

But the trouble with this marketing strategy is twofold: One, the term makes absolutely ZERO sense whatsoever. (Pre-owned? How can something be owned before it’s owned? EVERYTHING is always owned by SOMEBODY. Right? Otherwise, ANYONE could take it. For example, a deer in the forest is pre-owned. If I shoot the deer, then it’s mine – I own it. Once I tear off its antlers and leave the rotting carcass in the woods, the deer becomes post-owned. So whereas a deer in the woods can be pre-owned, automobiles are always owned.) The second problem with “pre-owned” is that it’s an unattractive term. Nobody likes the prefix “pre” because there’re WAY too many unpleasant words and events associated with it: pretest, precancerous, precondition, prenuptial, prepay, premature ejaculation, premenstrual syndrome, pre-op trannie, etc. So the phrase “pre-owned” is simply bogus and nonsensical – plus it’s poor marketing.

If I owned a used car lot, do you know what I’d go with to describe my used merchandise? “Post-new.” Isn’t that better? “Post” sounds important – like the Washington Post. And “new” is EXACTLY what everyone buying a car would ideally like to have. “Post-new.” Sounds like a more advanced form of new. Hey, what would YOU prefer to drive? A used Ford, a pre-owned Honda – or a POST-NEW Subaru? Damn straight you would.

“Say, Jim! That’s a mighty fine car in your driveway.” “Thanks, Bob. The wife wanted me to drive around in a used Ford, but I talked her into this sleek, stylish, post-new Subaru. Sure, it cost a little more, but you can’t put a price tag on happiness.” “You bet, Jim! Way to go.”

Post-new. Trust me on this: It’s a frickin’ BRILLIANT idea.

-JKD

Wife-beating

According to a brand new government study, there’s a direct link between wife-beating, and some asshole’s dinner getting overcooked.

Speaking of which, here’s a tip just for the guys: When at a bar, NEVER make a pass at a woman who has a black eye. Obviously she already HAS a boyfriend.

And on top of it all, she evidently doesn’t listen very well.

-JKD