How come all those cop shows on TV are always preoccupied with solving crimes? IT’S BEEN DONE ALREADY. Find something original to do, for Christ’s sake.
-JKD
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sarah Palin, Vice Presidential nominee
Sarah Palin, eh? Smart pick – and here’s why:
First, her primary asset isn’t the fact that she has a pair of tits and a uterus. It’s that she’s a Pro-Life, small government conservative. The fact that she has a pair of tits and a (well traveled – five kids) uterus is secondary.
See, the key difference between the Republican Party and the Democrat Party is that the Republican Party is bound by a specific ideology: Limited government, strong national defense, distrust of central power, and traditional values. (‘Course, the GOP often fails to implement this ideology, but it’s still the guiding force that drives the party’s base.) By contrast, the Democrats aren’t really bound by ideology – but by assorted left-leaning coalitions: Union workers, environmentalists, African Americans, feminists, social activists, etc. For the Democrats, many times these coalition members are in direct conflict with one another – for example, union workers would LOVE to drill, build and work in places that the environmentalists find abhorrent – but these groups have accepted the reality that the best way to advance their collective agendas is by supporting the Democratic Party. And more often than not, this agenda is predicated on receiving more federal funding & more federal protection.
If you notice, most Republican Presidential debates are between candidates arguing over who’s most in-line with the conservative ideology (“I’m the real conservative!” “No, I am!”) – while most Democrat Presidential debates revolve around who can best empathize with all the various groups in their coalition (“I’m the son of a mill worker!” “I’m from a town called Hope!”). It speaks volumes about the voting bases of both parties.
John McCain is NOT a conservative, which is why the far right & the talk-radio diehards have given him such a difficult time. Instead of being driven by a specific conservative ideology, McCain has his own ideology that GENERALLY falls in line with conservatives… but not always. Maybe 75% of the time. And in a coalition-type party, McCain would’ve been a slam-dunk Presidential selection, but he struggled to gain acceptance in a party where ideology is king. McCain essentially got the nod after every other major GOP candidate imploded.
By contrast, Governor Sarah Palin is a true conservative: Pro-Life, church-going, moose hunting, husband boinking, limited government, distrustful of government agencies, etc. She’ll fire-up the conservative base and motivate Farmer Wally and his 17 kids to load up the pickup truck and nail campaign signs to telephone poles on weeknights – while also motivating wealthy GOP contributors to open up their checkbook and donate to the McCain campaign. So that’s benefit number one.
Benefit number two, she adds youth, tits, and the possibility of attracting female voters (along with horny MILF hunters). She underscores McCain’s brand image of being a free-thinking maverick who is a completely separate entity from George W. Bush. And with Alaska world famous for housing vast energy reserves (as well as fugitive Dads ducking child support obligations), she can push energy-related issues to the forefront. Additionally, when the Democrats attack her, she has a ready-made retort: “The Good Old Boy network that now runs the Democrat Party clearly doesn’t believe that ANY woman is qualified to be Vice President in today’s America – but I’m here to prove them wrong.” Boom. All those middle-aged Hillary harpies will eat that shit up.
A good VP selection must do AT LEAST one of three things: Expand the Presidential nominee’s overall voting base, put a new state in play, or reinforce the Presidential nominee’s brand image. Palin accomplishes two out of the three. (And by contrast, Joe Biden accomplishes NONE of the three: He won’t attract new voters for Obama; Delaware was gonna vote for Obama anyway; and as someone who’s been a U.S. Senator for 35 frickin’ ears, he undercuts Obama’s message that Washington-is-broken-and-we-need-an-exciting-change.)
So she’s a good, strong pick by McCain. And plus, she also has those tits.
-JKD
First, her primary asset isn’t the fact that she has a pair of tits and a uterus. It’s that she’s a Pro-Life, small government conservative. The fact that she has a pair of tits and a (well traveled – five kids) uterus is secondary.
See, the key difference between the Republican Party and the Democrat Party is that the Republican Party is bound by a specific ideology: Limited government, strong national defense, distrust of central power, and traditional values. (‘Course, the GOP often fails to implement this ideology, but it’s still the guiding force that drives the party’s base.) By contrast, the Democrats aren’t really bound by ideology – but by assorted left-leaning coalitions: Union workers, environmentalists, African Americans, feminists, social activists, etc. For the Democrats, many times these coalition members are in direct conflict with one another – for example, union workers would LOVE to drill, build and work in places that the environmentalists find abhorrent – but these groups have accepted the reality that the best way to advance their collective agendas is by supporting the Democratic Party. And more often than not, this agenda is predicated on receiving more federal funding & more federal protection.
If you notice, most Republican Presidential debates are between candidates arguing over who’s most in-line with the conservative ideology (“I’m the real conservative!” “No, I am!”) – while most Democrat Presidential debates revolve around who can best empathize with all the various groups in their coalition (“I’m the son of a mill worker!” “I’m from a town called Hope!”). It speaks volumes about the voting bases of both parties.
John McCain is NOT a conservative, which is why the far right & the talk-radio diehards have given him such a difficult time. Instead of being driven by a specific conservative ideology, McCain has his own ideology that GENERALLY falls in line with conservatives… but not always. Maybe 75% of the time. And in a coalition-type party, McCain would’ve been a slam-dunk Presidential selection, but he struggled to gain acceptance in a party where ideology is king. McCain essentially got the nod after every other major GOP candidate imploded.
By contrast, Governor Sarah Palin is a true conservative: Pro-Life, church-going, moose hunting, husband boinking, limited government, distrustful of government agencies, etc. She’ll fire-up the conservative base and motivate Farmer Wally and his 17 kids to load up the pickup truck and nail campaign signs to telephone poles on weeknights – while also motivating wealthy GOP contributors to open up their checkbook and donate to the McCain campaign. So that’s benefit number one.
Benefit number two, she adds youth, tits, and the possibility of attracting female voters (along with horny MILF hunters). She underscores McCain’s brand image of being a free-thinking maverick who is a completely separate entity from George W. Bush. And with Alaska world famous for housing vast energy reserves (as well as fugitive Dads ducking child support obligations), she can push energy-related issues to the forefront. Additionally, when the Democrats attack her, she has a ready-made retort: “The Good Old Boy network that now runs the Democrat Party clearly doesn’t believe that ANY woman is qualified to be Vice President in today’s America – but I’m here to prove them wrong.” Boom. All those middle-aged Hillary harpies will eat that shit up.
A good VP selection must do AT LEAST one of three things: Expand the Presidential nominee’s overall voting base, put a new state in play, or reinforce the Presidential nominee’s brand image. Palin accomplishes two out of the three. (And by contrast, Joe Biden accomplishes NONE of the three: He won’t attract new voters for Obama; Delaware was gonna vote for Obama anyway; and as someone who’s been a U.S. Senator for 35 frickin’ ears, he undercuts Obama’s message that Washington-is-broken-and-we-need-an-exciting-change.)
So she’s a good, strong pick by McCain. And plus, she also has those tits.
-JKD
Thursday, August 28, 2008
72 virgins
Islam promises its martyrs 72 virgins when they die. So, if you manage to fuck MORE than 72 virgins BEFORE you die, you’re actually ahead of the curve. Just something to think about.
-JKD
The problem with Republican and Democrat Presidential conventions
Watching these political conventions on TV, it’s readily apparent that both political parties are utterly clueless – ‘cause these conventions do absolutely NOTHING to help a candidate win in November. NOTHING. And think about that for a sec: Almost an entire week of FREE national primetime television exposure… and no meaningful bang for the buck on Election Day.
Wanna know why? It’s because both political parties are incentivized NOT to stage conventions that actually help win the election. Instead, the success or failure of a convention is dependent on just one question: Does the candidate get a “bounce” in the post-election poll? If he does, then the convention was a big success. If not, the convention was a failure and the planners are all idiots.
But really, that’s an utterly stupid way to evaluate a convention. WHO CARES about a post-convention poll bounce – especially if the bounce is gonna go flat between now and November? And the bounce – if it happens at all – WILL ALWAYS go flat before November, ‘cause the election cycle is way too long for ANY candidate to maintain this momentary, summertime bump for months at a time.
Imagine that! Hours upon hours of free primetime television exposure… all designed to generate a late August / early September blip in the polls.
Well, here’s a thought: Why not create a convention that actually could be meaningful in NOVEMBER? And it really wouldn’t be all that difficult to do. All you’d need is a format that creates at least one explosive, long-lasting memory.
And how do you manufacture a TV-ready memory, you ask? Well, it certainly ain’t by lining half-a-dozen interchangeable politicians and political wives on a podium and having ‘em belch 15-minute-long preapproved speeches. That’s too carefully controlled; it might help you gain a brief uptick in the polls if the speeches are moderately entertaining, but it’s a meaningless f’n format for creating memories that last ‘til the first Tuesday in November.
So think outside the box for a sec. What if… an immigrant war widow was sworn in as an American citizen on primetime TV, and immediately after gave a tearful speech about what America means to her – and why Candidate X is the only one who could be trusted to keep her dream alive? What if an unscripted, 30-minute debate took place about an issue that a candidate cares about – and is trying to get the public to care about, too? What if a candidate did a live Q&A on the stage with a (relatively) unbiased media outlet?
You’ve gotta do something unscripted and at least slightly unpredictable – something that has a modicum of risk attached to it – in order to be memorable. And it’s gotta be something that nobody else has ever seen before.
Y’know what I’d do if I were John McCain? I’d call Barack Obama. Live on the stage, I’d whip out my iPhone and give Obama a ring – without any advance warning to Obama or the media. Because one of two things will happen:
First, maybe Obama wouldn’t take the call. And if that’s the case, John McCain could put down the phone and crow to his rabid Republican audience: “Earlier in this campaign, Senator Obama bravely promised to meet one-on-one with ruthless dictators like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – but I guess taking a telephone call from John McCain was too intimidating. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t believe the audience watching this convention – here and across the United States – is worthy of his time… but then again, unscripted conversations without a teleprompter aren’t exactly his strong suit. I simply wanted to wish Obama good luck on national television, to demonstrate to our allies and enemies throughout the world that, despite our difference, America is unified, strong, and determined to be a beacon of hope for all humanity.”
And if Obama DOES take the call, McCain should say, “Senator, I congratulate you on your nomination and wish you best of luck for this upcoming election. I also wanted to pledge to you personally – before all of America – that we 100% respect your patriotism and promise to treat you as a unique individual with a distinct vision for America – and not constantly compare you to any other politician or individual, just to score cheap political points. I hope you pledge to do the same for the rest of the campaign. And regardless of who wins or loses this election, let’s also promise to work together to re-unify this country, because the challenges we face as Americans are just too important to fall prey to another round of petty partisan bickering.”
Either way, the moment would be fodder for water cooler discussions around the country, debated on radio and television, etc. It would be something… memorable.
And y’know, if Obama DOES take the call – and then inevitably compares McCain to George W. Bush in any of their debates – McCain would have a devastating retort: “Senator, we pledged at the Republican convention not to engage in gutter politics by constantly comparing each other to unpopular politicians. You’ve either broken this pledge or decided not to take it. Senator, your words might be prettier than mine – but my words are more truthful and more honorable. Let’s see which the American people prefer.”
Boom.
-JKD
Wanna know why? It’s because both political parties are incentivized NOT to stage conventions that actually help win the election. Instead, the success or failure of a convention is dependent on just one question: Does the candidate get a “bounce” in the post-election poll? If he does, then the convention was a big success. If not, the convention was a failure and the planners are all idiots.
But really, that’s an utterly stupid way to evaluate a convention. WHO CARES about a post-convention poll bounce – especially if the bounce is gonna go flat between now and November? And the bounce – if it happens at all – WILL ALWAYS go flat before November, ‘cause the election cycle is way too long for ANY candidate to maintain this momentary, summertime bump for months at a time.
Imagine that! Hours upon hours of free primetime television exposure… all designed to generate a late August / early September blip in the polls.
Well, here’s a thought: Why not create a convention that actually could be meaningful in NOVEMBER? And it really wouldn’t be all that difficult to do. All you’d need is a format that creates at least one explosive, long-lasting memory.
And how do you manufacture a TV-ready memory, you ask? Well, it certainly ain’t by lining half-a-dozen interchangeable politicians and political wives on a podium and having ‘em belch 15-minute-long preapproved speeches. That’s too carefully controlled; it might help you gain a brief uptick in the polls if the speeches are moderately entertaining, but it’s a meaningless f’n format for creating memories that last ‘til the first Tuesday in November.
So think outside the box for a sec. What if… an immigrant war widow was sworn in as an American citizen on primetime TV, and immediately after gave a tearful speech about what America means to her – and why Candidate X is the only one who could be trusted to keep her dream alive? What if an unscripted, 30-minute debate took place about an issue that a candidate cares about – and is trying to get the public to care about, too? What if a candidate did a live Q&A on the stage with a (relatively) unbiased media outlet?
You’ve gotta do something unscripted and at least slightly unpredictable – something that has a modicum of risk attached to it – in order to be memorable. And it’s gotta be something that nobody else has ever seen before.
Y’know what I’d do if I were John McCain? I’d call Barack Obama. Live on the stage, I’d whip out my iPhone and give Obama a ring – without any advance warning to Obama or the media. Because one of two things will happen:
First, maybe Obama wouldn’t take the call. And if that’s the case, John McCain could put down the phone and crow to his rabid Republican audience: “Earlier in this campaign, Senator Obama bravely promised to meet one-on-one with ruthless dictators like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – but I guess taking a telephone call from John McCain was too intimidating. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t believe the audience watching this convention – here and across the United States – is worthy of his time… but then again, unscripted conversations without a teleprompter aren’t exactly his strong suit. I simply wanted to wish Obama good luck on national television, to demonstrate to our allies and enemies throughout the world that, despite our difference, America is unified, strong, and determined to be a beacon of hope for all humanity.”
And if Obama DOES take the call, McCain should say, “Senator, I congratulate you on your nomination and wish you best of luck for this upcoming election. I also wanted to pledge to you personally – before all of America – that we 100% respect your patriotism and promise to treat you as a unique individual with a distinct vision for America – and not constantly compare you to any other politician or individual, just to score cheap political points. I hope you pledge to do the same for the rest of the campaign. And regardless of who wins or loses this election, let’s also promise to work together to re-unify this country, because the challenges we face as Americans are just too important to fall prey to another round of petty partisan bickering.”
Either way, the moment would be fodder for water cooler discussions around the country, debated on radio and television, etc. It would be something… memorable.
And y’know, if Obama DOES take the call – and then inevitably compares McCain to George W. Bush in any of their debates – McCain would have a devastating retort: “Senator, we pledged at the Republican convention not to engage in gutter politics by constantly comparing each other to unpopular politicians. You’ve either broken this pledge or decided not to take it. Senator, your words might be prettier than mine – but my words are more truthful and more honorable. Let’s see which the American people prefer.”
Boom.
-JKD
White Republican men, John Edwards, and women in politics
Year after year, the Republicans nominate white men for President. And that must be because their white men are just SO AWESOME. By contrast, the Democrats have TERRIBLE white men. That’s why their current nominee is a black guy – and a frickin’ woman was runner-up. In fact, the Democrat’s top white guy in the ’08 primaries was John Edwards – the ultra-rich, ultra-effeminate trial lawyer who cheated on his cancer-stricken wife. JOHN EDWARDS was the best they could do.
No wonder white men vote Republican; it’s the only major party left where the white men in it aren’t complete pussies. I mean, say what you want about John McCain and George W. Bush – they might be short-tempered and short-witted (respectively) – but at least they’re not pussies.
John Edwards?! C’mon. Try harder next time.
Anyhoo, I’m kinda comforted by the fact that this country would rather elect a black guy than a woman. Y’know what I mean? It really shows us where we are as a nation. Everyone pretty much agrees that racism ain’t cool no more… but sexism is still Ok. Eh, it gives us guys something to joke about at the office.
-JKD
No wonder white men vote Republican; it’s the only major party left where the white men in it aren’t complete pussies. I mean, say what you want about John McCain and George W. Bush – they might be short-tempered and short-witted (respectively) – but at least they’re not pussies.
John Edwards?! C’mon. Try harder next time.
Anyhoo, I’m kinda comforted by the fact that this country would rather elect a black guy than a woman. Y’know what I mean? It really shows us where we are as a nation. Everyone pretty much agrees that racism ain’t cool no more… but sexism is still Ok. Eh, it gives us guys something to joke about at the office.
-JKD
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Hotel chains and Mother Earth
What’s this shit about hotels suddenly caring about the environment? Every hotel I’ve been to of late is trying to weasel out of giving me clean sheets and towels in the morning by feigning a desire to protect Mother Earth. Meanwhile, they have ice machines that leak all over the floor and the air conditioning cranked cooler than an Alaskan winter in the lobby — with the front doors wide open. Save the planet on your own time, and give me some clean fuckin’ towels, will ya?
-JKD
-JKD
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Why Obama will lose to John McCain in a landslide
I’m not a Republican. And I’m not a Democrat. Why? Because both political parties consist of ideas and people with whom I don’t want to associate. The Democrats are chockfull of eco-cultists, corrupt union assholes and know-it-all socialists; the Republicans are overrun with self-righteous nags, wannabe militia members and frickin’ dorks. So fuck these people. I don’t want to be included. No offense, but I’m under ZERO obligation to associate myself with these intrusive nitwits.
I’m an individual. But I usually vote Republican.
Now that you’re privy to my ideological back-story, here’s my take on the upcoming Presidential election: Barring an unseen clusterfuck, John McCain is gonna win BIG.
And it’s because people like what Obama represents far more than who he actually is.
Early in a political campaign, what a politician represents is the single most critical aspect in the election. Here, Obama had a HUGE advantage over EVERYONE. Obama represents: youth, hope, racial reconciliation, harmony, and peace. (By contrast, McCain represents: old, white, Republican, war, President Bush.) Obama wins this category in a tsunami-sized landslide.
But elections naturally progress from focusing on what a candidate represents to the specifics of who the candidate is and what he believes – and what he’s done to be worthy of the job. The 24/7 media and the immediacy of digital communication has pushed this progression along at a warp speed, and its importance will only exponentially grow all the way through November. Here, McCain’s biographical / life experience advantages are obvious to everyone (sans the weak-minded Obama drones & Republicans-are-all-Nazis crowd). Just look at the polls. Advantage, McCain.
Obama is a very liberal candidate with limited experience and some very dubious personal ties. McCain is a celebrated war hero and the most liberal Republican Presidential candidate since Gerald Ford – which puts him closer to the middle of the political spectrum. Advantage, McCain.
The most interesting thing about Obama is his racial identity and charisma… and that just ain’t enough to offset the VERY compelling John McCain narrative between now and Election Day. Advantage, McCain.
Bottom Line? Unless a dementia-addled John McCain is seen on film wandering around the hotel lobby in his bathrobe, looking for his childhood telegraph so he can warn Jebediah about an incoming Indian raid, he’ll win by at least 50 electoral votes.
The Democrat Party is the Washington Generals of Presidential politics, folks. And the McCain campaign’s Obama-is-Paris Hilton ad was the political equivalent of a midget on a donkey hitting a three-pointer. Crowds love that shit.
Jeah.
-JKD
I’m an individual. But I usually vote Republican.
Now that you’re privy to my ideological back-story, here’s my take on the upcoming Presidential election: Barring an unseen clusterfuck, John McCain is gonna win BIG.
And it’s because people like what Obama represents far more than who he actually is.
Early in a political campaign, what a politician represents is the single most critical aspect in the election. Here, Obama had a HUGE advantage over EVERYONE. Obama represents: youth, hope, racial reconciliation, harmony, and peace. (By contrast, McCain represents: old, white, Republican, war, President Bush.) Obama wins this category in a tsunami-sized landslide.
But elections naturally progress from focusing on what a candidate represents to the specifics of who the candidate is and what he believes – and what he’s done to be worthy of the job. The 24/7 media and the immediacy of digital communication has pushed this progression along at a warp speed, and its importance will only exponentially grow all the way through November. Here, McCain’s biographical / life experience advantages are obvious to everyone (sans the weak-minded Obama drones & Republicans-are-all-Nazis crowd). Just look at the polls. Advantage, McCain.
Obama is a very liberal candidate with limited experience and some very dubious personal ties. McCain is a celebrated war hero and the most liberal Republican Presidential candidate since Gerald Ford – which puts him closer to the middle of the political spectrum. Advantage, McCain.
The most interesting thing about Obama is his racial identity and charisma… and that just ain’t enough to offset the VERY compelling John McCain narrative between now and Election Day. Advantage, McCain.
Bottom Line? Unless a dementia-addled John McCain is seen on film wandering around the hotel lobby in his bathrobe, looking for his childhood telegraph so he can warn Jebediah about an incoming Indian raid, he’ll win by at least 50 electoral votes.
The Democrat Party is the Washington Generals of Presidential politics, folks. And the McCain campaign’s Obama-is-Paris Hilton ad was the political equivalent of a midget on a donkey hitting a three-pointer. Crowds love that shit.
Jeah.
-JKD
Monday, August 25, 2008
How about it, scientists?
Hey, scientists: Instead of spending all your time inventing new erection-enhancing medications, why not create a drug that makes the pussy more attractive? Erectile dysfunction isn’t always the man’s fault, you know. There are a lot of VERY ugly pussies out there.
In fact, some of them are kinda spooky.
-JKD
In fact, some of them are kinda spooky.
-JKD
And pop goes the cherry...
Whenever I hear about a nonviolent protest, I automatically lose interest. Look, if those protesters don’t even care enough about their own movement to get violent, then what the fuck are they doing, exactly? Marching in lines, waving hand-drawn signs? Kindergartners do that on the first day of school; why should I be impressed that a bunch of adults can do it too? Violence at least requires a modicum of creativity; nonviolence is so pointlessly tepid. “Wanna come to our nonviolent protest tomorrow? We’re gonna march together, wave signs, and yell a lot. So people will know we’re angry.” Yeah, sounds real productive, Moonbeam, but I’ll hafta pass. Lemme known what you’d like to grow a pair and try a violent protest for a change – and I’ll even be sporting and offer you a 30 minute head start. You bunch of ham-headed, delusional pussies.
Anyhoo, welcome to my blog. I haven’t told ANYONE about this blog – no advertising, no nothin’ – so don’t blow my cover.
-JKD
Anyhoo, welcome to my blog. I haven’t told ANYONE about this blog – no advertising, no nothin’ – so don’t blow my cover.
-JKD
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