Giraffes

Whenever I see a giraffe, I always think about oral sex. I guess it’s the long neck.

-JKD

Is Obama leaking our national secrets?

New York Times headline: Secret Order Lets U.S. Raid Al Qaeda

From the article, dated November 9:

WASHINGTON — The United States military since 2004 has used broad, secret authority to carry out nearly a dozen previously undisclosed attacks against Al Qaeda and other militants in Syria, Pakistan and elsewhere, according to senior American officials.

So… this carefully-guarded government secret – one that has STAYED a secret since 2004 – comes out now? Literally DAYS after Obama starts receiving Top Secret national security briefings?

Hmm.

And yesterday, just hours after meeting privately face-to-face with President Bush, the contents of that conversation were leaked to the Herald Tribune and the Associated Press? The Drudge Report is reporting that Bush is outraged by this breach of protocol.

Leaking the details of a private political conversation is one thing. Sure, it’s juvenile, tacky and sends a highly disconcerting message to other world leaders who probably wouldn’t want their private conversations with the United States President immediately leaked to the press, but President-Elect Obama is certainly entitled to wield his lapdog media relations however he sees fit.

No, what’s much more disconcerting is the leaking of military tactics in the War on Terror.

The leaks aren’t going to stop, folks. Early in the Presidential campaign, the media forfeited its traditional role of political watchdog, opting instead to be knee-jerk advocates for Barack Obama. And as for Obama, when you’re the beneficiary of a friendly press, you’re prone to reward your friends and cohorts by perpetually feeding them delicious news scoops. That’s how the game is played; keep the press happy, and the press will keep you happy.

But if Obama and his advisors don’t consider the government secrets that directly impact the military’s capacity to prevent terrorist attacks to be sacred… then what is?

Just something to keep in mind as you peruse all the juicy New York Times headlines we’ll be seeing over the next four years.

-JKD

Life lessons

Via trial & error, observing others, self-introspection, and a horribly underdeveloped sense of morality, here are 20 things I’ve learned in life:

1. Most of the time, the guy wearing the “Fuck You!” hat and “Who Farted?” t-shirt doesn’t have keys to a Ferrari in his pocket.

2. Never marry a woman who can’t appreciate the severity of a good hangover.

3. If someone feels the need to tell you that he’s a winner, chances are he’s a loser.

4. There’d be significantly fewer alcoholics in America if more drugs were legalized. Because let’s face it: A lot of people get drunk – not because alcohol is particularly tasty – but because sobriety SUCKS. And alcohol is the only legal over-the-counter high we’re allowed to have. By criminalizing all the other recreational drugs – including marijuana – the government is directly increasing the number of alcoholics in society… as well as all the crimes, injuries & fatalities attributed to alcohol.

5. Women: In every large office environment, there’s always at least one ultra-hot babe who everyone wants to fuck & nobody takes seriously, one babe with unpredictable emotional problems who freaks everyone out, one babe who thinks she’s infinitely smarter and prettier than she actually is, and one go-by-the-books cunt who nobody likes. So, if you’re in a large office and don’t know who the cunt is, chances are it’s you.

6. Grave robbing is illegal in the United States, which means that the same country that stole land from living Indians prohibits property theft from dead Americans.

7. R&B is soft rock for black people.

8. If I lived in Biblical times and was arguing baby-ownership before King Solomon, and he threatened to cut the baby in half, I don’t think I’d mind, as long as I got to keep the top-half.

9. Isn’t it interesting how all the major fast food restaurants always seem to have a political tie-in? McDonald’s is a democracy (Mayor McCheese), Kentucky Fried Chicken is clearly a dictatorship (the Colonial) and Burger King is obviously a monarchy. I’m not sure how Wendy’s fits into this political paradigm, but quite frankly, I don’t really care. I hate those lousy square hamburgers. If you’re gonna make the hamburgers square, why would you still make the buns round? It doesn’t make any sense, man. What were we talking about again?

10. Here’s a little-known scientific fact: If you fart while alone inside an elevator, the probability jumps ten-fold that someone of the opposite sex will get inside your elevator before you can vacate the premises.

11. I’m not one of those bleeding heart liberals who continually gripe about schoolteachers being underpaid. Good! I’m GLAD they’re underpaid! Hey – I’ve already received MY education – and I’m barely making enough to cover my mortgage & afford brand name bourbon. And now you people want me to pony-up even more cash – and fund the job-training of my future competition? Are you out of your frigging minds?! I’m looking out for Number One.

12. The great thing about wearing dark sunglasses is that you can blatantly stare at a woman’s tits without getting punched in the face by her husband.

13. Product Idea #37: Removable windshield wipers… so you can park illegally and the cops won’t have any place to stick your ticket.

14. Here’s the difference between being “cute” and “over-the-line.” Cute is seeing a MILF with a baby in a grocery store’s produce section and saying, “Wow! I didn’t know you could buy a baby here!” Over-the-line is lurching towards the baby with your arms extended and shrieking to the mother: “Let’s squeeze his head to see if he’s fresh!” I learned this one the hard way. I also learned that Food Lion has its own security guards.

15. You know what I want written on my tombstone? “Attention future people of earth! I have hidden thousands of pounds of gold and diamonds in a secret location! Whoever brings me back to life will get half! And whoever brings me back to life with a new & improved body will get all! Thanks in advance for your help.” I figure it’s worth a shot.

16. Most of the people who think drugs should be illegal are people who don’t enjoy using illegal drugs. Additionally, most of the people who bad-mouth alcohol are pussies who can’t handle alcohol.

17. The Bible preaches to us “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” but if you stop and think about it, this really is a horribly flawed formula for dispensing justice. ‘Cause what would happen if a toothless guy knocks out his neighbor’s teeth? Or if a blind guy started running around, poking out eyeballs at the playground? How would THOSE people be punished? There’s another problem with the “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” formula as well: Not all teeth and eyes are equal. For example, if someone with bad eyesight knocked out the eye of someone with 20/20 vision, would it really be equitable for the guy with bad eyesight to just lose an eye? Or if a model with beautiful white teeth got punched in the face by a dumpy girl with green, cavity-filled teeth – would it be fair to treat the two teeth as equal? Do you see what I’m getting at?

18. If you ever see a beautiful, gorgeous woman over the age of 30 driving a lousy car, chances are she has an amazingly shitty personality.

19. Have you ever noticed that the women are exponentially better looking in the grocery stores located in the rich part of town? And not only are they better looking, but cigarette rolling paper isn’t usually sold with the other tobacco products.

20. Of all the women in the world, religious babes & leftwing social activists have the hairiest beavers.

-JKD

Taco Bell fallout

Diarrhea should not be called the runs; it should be called the sits. ‘Cause when you’ve got diarrhea, you’re not gonna be doing much running, but you’re sure as hell gonna be doing a LOT of sitting. Speaking of which, have you ever had really, REALLY bad diarrhea? And after you took a particularly explosive shit, you lift the toilet seat up – and you somehow managed to get little dots of shit under the seat?

That always impresses me… that my shit could be so powerful, it actually comes in TWO directions.

-JKD

Christians, alcohol and lesbians

I met an ultra-devout Christian the other day who believes drinking alcohol is immoral. Isn’t that kinda strange? Because if you actually read the Bible, you’ll notice that the Good Book NEVER forbids alcohol consumption. And hell, Jesus Christ once explicitly turned water into wine! I’m sure if alcohol was really immoral, Jesus would’ve turned the water into apple juice, or something. But I think there’s lots of meddlesome Christian who believe that alcohol SHOULD be illegal – so they try to come up with some harebrained theory that forbids alcohol consumption, arguing that, OK, when Jesus turned water into wine, it must’ve been nonalcoholic wine. Which is just ABSURD, of course; if Jesus showed up at a dinner party with nonalcoholic wine in 22 A.D., everyone there would’ve kicked his skinny little ass back to Galilee. It would be like throwing a bachelor party… and bringing over a key of O’Doul’s. Trust me, the Son of God would know better than to commit such a flagrant party foul.

And speaking of the Bible, it’s interesting to note that although the Bible does say “A man should not lie with a man as he lies with a woman,” at no point does the Bible say “A woman should not lie with a woman as she lies with a man.” Go look it up – I ain’t lying. So apparently, God digs lesbians. Which ties nicely together with God’s approval of alcohol consumption, ‘cause the Bible never forbids drunken threesomes either.

My theory on all this: Man wrote the Bible thousands of years ago – before the invention of TV, indoor lighting, nachos, No Limit Texas Hold ’Em Poker, tittie bars, or Italian restaurants. Basically, the only form of entertainment back then was alcohol… and the human body. Furthermore, only the wealthiest in society could afford to learn how to read & write and afford multiple wives. Which means that the early authors of the Bible were rich men with many wives. They lived in a backwater society in the middle of the desert, stuck in a primitive popup tent – tending to their livestock, far away from everyone else. Well, what do YOU think these people did for fun? Right – they got drunk and fucked their wives.

Which the Bible approves of, naturally.

-JKD

President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama

Well, we just had another one of those wonderfully entertaining Presidential elections… and for the next four years, the leader of the Free World is gonna be President Barack Hussein Obama. Yup, the name just rolls right off the tip of your tongue, eh?

And by the way… has anyone noticed that Obama is BLACK?! Holy shitballs! Actually, the fact that Obama is black is worth noting – ‘cause that would make him the first racial minority to win the highest office of a democratic nation. Lots of democracies have previously elected female leaders – India, England, Israel, Germany, Argentina, Canada and so forth – but none of ‘em has EVER elected a member of a racial minority to the most powerful office in the land. (‘Course, America has NEVER elected a female leader… yet we were still the FIRST to elect a minority leader. And y’know, I kinda enjoy knowing that the racial divisions that have long plagued whites and blacks here in America have healed so much, the two races were willing to come together to deny Hillary Clinton the Presidency and Sarah Palin the Vice Presidency. Isn’t that nice? Whites and blacks, working together, determined to keep all women out of the White House. Yes, the dream has been fulfilled. Halleluiah!)

I also think that when John McCain eventually dies & goes to heaven, the other dead Presidents will make fun of him:

George Washington: “You mean to tell me you lost VIRGINIA and NORTH CAROLINA to a BLACK GUY?! Jesus f’n Christ, how PATHETIC was YOUR frickin’ campaign?!”

Thomas Jefferson: “Well, I assume this Obama guy had a lot of experience. No? OK, was Obama a war hero? No military experience either? Hmm. Was he a business leader? No? And he hadn’t even completed one term in the Senate?! Good LORD, McCain – were you even TRYING to win?!”


Serves him right. That was one of the suckiest political campaigns I’ve EVER seen. That campaign sucked more than a Clinton intern. Even Dukakis and Mondale were giggling themselves silly over McCain’s pathetic campaign.

Onward and upward.

Actually, I have a theory about why America has such a lousy federal government: You see, the guiding philosophy for the Democrats – high taxes, high regulation, heavy government involvement, big government programs, more socialism, less individual responsibility – simply isn’t conducive for long-term economic growth. So when the Democrats get in office, they eventually fuck things up. And the Republicans, to their credit, realize that the Democrats’ philosophy will CRIPPLE the economy… but the trouble is, Republicans don’t really like the government in the first place, so they’re naturally incompetent when it comes to the day-to-day management of the government. It’s awfully difficult to run something that you never really cared about – or ever believed in.

And that’s the choice Americans face on every Election Day: Either vote for the guy with the WRONG political philosophy – but with a good understanding of how the government is supposed to work… or vote for the guy with the RIGHT political philosophy – but is utterly inept at actually implementing this philosophy.

Either way… we’re all pretty much fucked. Good job, America.

-JKD

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost

“The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”

Have you noticed that ONLY the Ghost gets a preceding adjective? Why not the Holy Father or the Holy Son? Both the Father and the Son are holy as well, right? So why do we take the time to specifically describe the Ghost as the HOLY Ghost? I mean, nobody’s confusing it with the FRIENDLY Ghost. Believe me, people can differentiate between our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ of Nazareth and fuckin’ Casper.

Shit, even the Protestants can do THAT.

-JKD